This Has Been A Year// AbbyLynn Writes

Hello my dears. This is going to be a reflection of the past year of 2019, but in form of a poem. I hope you enjoy the following poem as I try to articulate events and lessons and moments that have affected me in 2019.

This Has Been A Year
An AbbyLynn Writes original

This has been a year.
A year of loving and losing.
A year of holding on and letting go.
A year of learning and unlearning.
A year so full of lessons, 
How can I even begin to articulate it all?
...
This has been a year of loving.
As I've gone about my year,
I have loved harder than I have loved
In a very long time.
Whether the relationship was with
A guy, a friend, a family member, or myself,
I have given my heart to a handful
Of other human beings.
I have loved in hopes
Of being loved in return.
I have allowed myself to trust;
I have allowed myself to fall--
Fall into a variety of moments
With people whom I have loved very much.

But this has also been a year of losing.
Though I have loved so many
By investing my heart and mind
Into forming something that could last,
I have managed to lose the majority
Of those I had invested my time in.
The people I trusted and loved dearly,
Who said they loved me in return,
Promised they would stay.
But instead they chose to leave.
These relationships I poured my heart into
have ended on disastrous terms,
Leaving me with limited resources
To put myself back together--
To let myself believe that I could be whole
Once again.
Through all I gave of my heart,
I always felt I gained more
By the love I received in return.
But now I look back and see
This has been a year of loving and losing.

This has been a year of holding on.
During this past year
I have fought like hell to hold on
To all of the things that mattered most to me.
I have fought for precious relationships of all kinds,
Valuable pieces of my own heart,
And a sense of identity I have been searching
To regain for quite some time now.
But through all the things I have fought for,
What if I have been fighting for things 
That are no longer mine?
What if I have fought for relationships
With people who are no longer meant for me;
No longer mine to love?
What if I have fought for pieces of my heart
That have already been long gone and given away?
And what if I have fought for an identity 
Of what I once was, but no longer am?

Because this has also been a year of letting go.
I have had to let go of those relationships
That are no longer for me,
And those pieces of my heart
I've already given away,
And also the old identity
Of who I used to be.
And Lord knows I had no idea it would be
So excruciatingly painful to let go.
But it's a process.
This has been a year of holding on and letting go.

This has been a year of learning.
In the process of experiencing this year,
I have learned so much.
I have learned much of healing and growth.
I have learned much of being patient with myself.
I have learned much of what truly matters in my life.
I've learned that healing isn't linear,
And growth is an extensive process.
I've learned that I cannot expect changes
To happen overnight,
And that even if I need to go slowly,
What matters is that I'm still going.
I've learned that raw love matters.
Opening your heart to someone,
Even if you're afraid of being vulnerable,
Is still worth the risk of breaking.
You can always love more.
I've learned that life matters;
MY life matters.
I've learned that I deserve genuine love,
Real relationships, and true friendships.
I deserve to be here,
So I've learned to fight for myself.

But this has also been a year of unlearning.
I have had to unlearn so much as well.
Quite ironically, I've had to learn 
How to unlearn certain destructive habits.
I've had to unlearn leaning
On certain people who I trusted
After they managed to break that trust.
I've had to unlearn that feeling
Of being physically and emotionally
Wrapped in another human being
All because sometimes,
People can change their minds.
People can leave; people will leave.
I've mostly had to unlearn my reflex
To fight for people who won't fight for me.
I can't continue to pour my life
Into something that is already dead.
I can't continue to give my heart to people
Who don't choose to accept it.
Learning and unlearning have been struggles
So difficult, but still so necessary.
Though I never could have anticipated the weight
These lessons and trials would bring.
This has been a year of learning and unlearning.

I have loved and lost this year.
I have held on and let go this year.
I have learned and unlearned this year.
I am still here after this year.

Yes, this truly has been a year.

~AbbyLynn

For Grammy// AbbyLynn Writes

Hi friends. This is a special post about one of the strongest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I was fortunate enough to call her my Grammy. It's been a hard year without her. Grammy was a woman like no other. And as I sit here in this Starbucks to write this in her honor and memory, I have to hold back my tears. I'll love you forever Grammy. It's been a hard year without you and not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I just hope I can make you proud.

~For Grammy~
I'll remember you laughing
For the rest of my days,
And how you made me smile
In so many ways.
I'll remember that sound
Of your smile that burst,
When we all needed laughter,
I'd look to you first.

I'll remember you loving
As you gave me hugs freely,
And I'm sorry I never hugged you
Quite as tight as you hugged me.
You gave your love often
To all those around you.
In the darkest of days,
Your love would shine through.

I'll remember you strong
As you fought till the end,
And with strong came a gentle heart
Of a grammy and friend.
You're quite possibly the strongest
Of the women I've known,
As you loved us all fully
In the many ways you've shown.

As I sit here and ponder
What on earth I should do,
I realize I'll spend my whole life
Missing you.

But I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong,
And hold you close to my heart
When things start to go wrong.

And when my heart's broken
Singing an "I miss you" song,
I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong.

~AbbyLynn

Only You// Longing For Fulfillment

Hi, friends. Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my heart recently. Lately I've noticed that I have a big need to be around other people more so than usual because I've had this growing sense of loneliness. While pondering what could be causing this increasing loneliness, I discovered a note on my phone. I wrote it sometime last year in the summer of 2018 and I can't quite remember exactly what spurred on this idea, but it was about a similar sense of loneliness to what I've been feeling recently.

"I need to know how to be alone without being lonely.
I need to know how to live with you as my One and only."

I was thinking on this concept and it reminded me of a song by one of my favorite bands, Hawk Nelson. The song is called "Only You", and it's a beautiful description of the fact that we can search this whole world throughout our lives, but only Jesus is going to be able to satisfy our souls the way we need. 
I absolutely love the whole song, so picking my "favorite part" is literally impossible because each part has a different meaning and touches my heart a certain way. But here's what stood out to me the most I guess:

"I could search down here for the rest of my life
And this one thing is all that I'd find:
That only You can fill my heart the way You do
Only You can take what's worn and make it new
So I'll take all these broken dreams and petty things
Replace them with something that's true
I'll take 'em replace them with You."

After soaking in these lyrics and rediscovering my own written words, I feel like I've found the source of my recent loneliness. I've noticed that I'm constantly in search of something to fill me up, keep me company, or be present at all times, all the while forgetting that Jesus should be what fills me. Jesus will keep me company when I need it. Jesus is present at all times. I've been so busy searching for human satisfaction and fulfillment that I've missed the fact that the most satisfying fulfillment, company, and presence has always been there just trying to be with me from the start. 

I have a mission, my friends. I want to take the time to run to Jesus daily. I have this ever present loneliness that has been recently growing and I'm aware that, after a lot of wondering and tough realizations, only He can fill my heart. Not one single person on this earth can ever "fix" me or fill the emptiness that lies deep in my heart. That's why I'm so grateful to have a Savior who longs to fill what I'm missing in my life. I spend so much time looking for company from others at all times, but I have Jesus readily available at all times. I strive to know Him more, and I rest in the fact that He just wants to spend time with me. 
I'll leave you with one more lovely quote I found that sums up what I've learned about seeking fulfillment and satisfaction through anything but Jesus.

"It's all about where you run to fill yourself up when you're empty."

Fill your cup with the right things, friends. Be blessed.

~AbbyLynn

Positive Baby Steps// A Healing Process

Hello my dears.
It's been a hella long week. And it's only Tuesday.
Today I wanna talk about what I've been going through lately. I want to address my healing process of taking positive baby steps. 
Currently I'm sitting in the Biggby down the street from my house as I wait for a friend to come keep me company for a bit on her way home from work. I'm listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers on repeat as I write because it's inspired me to talk about my healing process and my attempts to fight and "hold on" lately.
As some of you may know from following my Instagram, Facebook, or this blog, I deal with Anxiety, PTSD, a paranoid thought disorder, and Bipolar Depression, and each of those illnesses have been causing me to be feeling hopeless and lost, especially recently. Also, each of those mental illnesses are often misunderstood. My anxiety is more than just being a serious worrier. It's my body's response to a feeling of being unsafe, particularly in public places and when under certain stressors. My PTSD is more than bad memories. It's a bundle of triggers and nightmares that never cease because I've been haunted from a past of poor relationships. My paranoid thought disorder is more than thinking everyone is watching me or out to get me. It's this horrible feeling of intense fear that anyone and/or everyone in my life could and will leave me, especially if I open up about my feelings. And my bipolar depression is so much more than me just having major mood swings. It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, that come and go as they please and often show as reflex responses to stressors that could cause frustration, sadness, or sometimes even happiness to get me feeling on top of the world. But eventually that on top of the world feeling will crash back into a few days to a week or two of horrible depression.
These are my demons, my struggles, and my battles. They've caused me to have a severe lack of appetite recently, as well as many occasions where I tend to either isolate myself, or the opposite feeling where I CRAVE to be around someone who will care and listen to what I have to say without judgement. This explanation of my daily struggles has been a long way to say that healing isn't easy,  and it's a long process.
My good friend Kira has given me a form of daily "homework", of course she would seeing as she's a teacher, but I honestly do appreciate it. Each night I have to record and send her two things I love about myself and one thing I'm thankful to God for. And so I've been doing it. Begrudgingly and difficultly. Even when I'm not feeling it. But I suppose that's the point. 
I've also come to appreciate the honest talks I've been able to have with my sweet friend Maddy and her brother Lucas, both of them allowing me to open up about where I'm hurt, and being solid soundboards who listen and give encouragement and understanding. I am forever thankful for them. 
There are small baby steps to my healing. Writing things down in my "homework" journal from Kira. Learning to listen to Lucas when he tells me to stop putting myself down. Following Maddy's advice to keep fighting even when I don't feel I have the strength. I'm not sure where I'd be without them and more people who have recently allowed me to open up to them about my struggles.
So as I sit here in this Biggby, still listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background 30 minutes later, I'm here to tell you this. Fighting is worth it. Holding on is worth it. Living and loving and pursuing a future is worth it. In the midst of my chaos, there are sweet friends and family members who care for me, whether I realize it fully or not. I am thankful for my blessings and I will continue to take my positive baby steps to healing from recent events that broke me, and old events that have lingered around for too long. 
I want to leave you with this message. Yes, it is in fact from the Jonas Brothers song I've been playing this whole time.

"When it falls apart
And your feeling lost,
All your hope is gone,
Don't forget to hold on."

~AbbyLynn

"What I Didn't Ask For"-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello, loves.
This post is long overdue. It's a post about the relationship that is at the center of my diagnosed PTSD. So often, people with a past of any form of abuse have been told that they "asked for it", or that "it's all in their head". But this is a slam to those comments, and I have been so afraid of what people might think about it, that I haven't shared it. I've become more bold and decided it's time to share. To anyone who has been through abuse of any kind or something similar, this is FOR you. And to those who think we brought this trauma upon ourselves, this is TO you. This is "What I Didn't Ask For".

"What I Didn't Ask For"// An AbbyLynn Writes Poem
I didn't ask for this...
The horrible trauma,
The haunting flashbacks, 
Or the ever-present loneliness 
That is ironically the only company for me
After our toxic encounter.
I didn't ask for this...
The broken heart,
The relapse into depression,
Or the constant nightmares 
That I'm still dealing with,
Even after years of being away from you.
Believe me, because 
I did not ask for this...
The false rumors spread,
The arguments that stood against me,
And the relentless force 
Of those around me who tried to say
That I was lying, 
And the whole situation was 
"All in my head".
I didn't ask for any of this.

You know what I did ask for?
All I asked for was for you to respect my boundaries.
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to try and understand
Why I was saying "no".
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to stop pressuring me.
But. You. Didn't.

You said you had "needs',
Okay but I had boundaries.
You reasoned it was fine because you loved me,
I mean, yeah, but don't forget I loved you too,
I just showed it differently.
You claimed I didn't love you because I said "no",
But honestly, I could claim you didn't love me,
Because though I said no,
You kept pressuring me anyway.

Maybe you did love me,
But then why didn't you respect me?
Maybe you did love me,
But then how come you never accepted my wishes?
Maybe in some weird and twisted way,
You did love me,
But I still always felt like
I was replaceable to you.

And in the end I've been replaced.
You didn't need me, you see?
Was it really worth the mess you made
Of my mind and emotions
Just to say you loved me by how you touched my body??

Because looking back, 
I'd say you felt lust, not love.
You found love with a new woman, I see.
And I'm still piecing myself back together
After all the ways you shattered me.
But don't worry about me,
I know you wouldn't anyway.
I'll be fine somehow,
As I fumble clumsily with new experiences,
Trying to know what love really is.
But I know what love isn't,
And I suppose that's a good place to start.

Love is nothing like the pressure I was under.
Love is nothing like the manipulation I endure.
No, plain and simply, love is nothing like you.
Because I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
A drunken black eye.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Reasons to feel guilty.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Hell.
You gave me Hell.
And I did NOT ask for that.

~AbbyLynn

Hi I'm Abby--The Truth About Mental Illness

Hey friends.
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.

"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."

This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...

Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.

Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:

"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen

~AbbyLynn

The Hardest Year I've Ever Lived// Leaving 2018 Behind Me

Hello friends.
I'm not gonna lie and say this is an easy blog post for me to write. In all honesty, this is taking quite a bit of courage for me to muster up one last 2018 blog post as minutes tick away here in Michigan to ring in the new year of 2019.
If I'm being completely honest with you, as I always am, 2018 has been very brutally, the hardest year I've ever lived. I have been fortunate enough to have lived 23 years of life and counting here on this earth, but this last year, has been the most painful one I can recall living. But that doesn't mean it was the worst.
In 2018, I went through Hell and back.
At the beginning of the year I was in, what i thought to be, a happy relationship. I was making plans to move back to Arizona and I was excited for life. I had high hopes of getting better in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health.
Then April happened.
That relationship I was so happy in came to a tragic end. My heart was shattered. As I tried to pick up the pieces and prepare for my move to Arizona in May, I was briefly hopeful. 
Then Uncle Earle passed away.
Right as I was preparing for a big life change to move and live on my own in Arizona, my mom's uncle Earle (whom I also just call my uncle) in Tennessee passed away. That was hard on the family and myself personally as I wished I could have known him better but was thankful for the times I did have with him. 
And so then came the time to get on my flight, and I was ready to move to Arizona. While in Arizona over the summer, I made new friends who helped love and support me while I was there. They helped me to learn a lot of lessons about appreciating those who CHOOSE TO STAY in your life, and try and one on from those CHOOSE TO GO. 
Then loneliness kicked in.
PERSONAL NOTE HERE: I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and though I don't make it a secret that I have struggled with mental health issues, I haven't been open about the hardest times like what I experienced at the very beginning of July of 2018. After six years of being clean from any form of self-harm, I relapsed. And after that happened, I felt shame. I felt hurt. I realized that I needed help. I broke my one rule. And I'm so sorry to all of those who have been in the struggle with me this year, and have watched me fall again. But to those who stayed, I am eternally grateful for your presence, and your constant love and support. After my relapse I called a friend in Arizona to take me to the hospital. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done-- confronting the issue head on and getting proper help-- but it was the best decision I could have made for myself. 
I was in an in-patient care facility for four days, including over the fourth of July. And as scary as my experience was at first, I am so grateful for the medical staff that helped me to be strong enough to be released from the hospital. And so there I was, back on my feet, ready to handle life again-- hopeful, that I could do better with a fresh start.
Then Grammy went to the hospital.
I was in Arizona, planning to come back to Michigan in August to get my car and the rest of my things, and go back to Arizona, but I had an early departure to Michigan when I got the call that said that my mom's mom (my Grammy) was in the hospital and her organs were failing. And so I took my leave, still hoping to come back to AZ, only to not have the funds to afford that much awaited return. But I found it was better that way, because family members from out of state were going to come in to celebrate uncle Earle's life and scatter his ashes in lake Michigan. But before that...
Great Grandma passed away.
I had recalled hearing that my dad's grandma, my great-grandma, wasn't doing very well. I called my grandma and she told me that they weren't sure she'd make it through the night. So dad and I went to go see her one last time, just in case. I held her hand in that retirement home room, thinking she didn't look very comfortable even though they said she was. I was so hoping she'd wake up, even for a minute, to give me some sassy remark that only great grandma would say. But I never did. It got late and we had to go back to Grand Rapids. And so I hugged her, knowing she was tired, and hoping she could hear me. I whispered to her and told her that I loved her so much, that mom and sisters loved her too, and that I understood that she was tired and wanted to go home. And the next morning, she passed.
With that ending my August, I was trying to be optimistic and go into the next semester at school. Sadly, that was short lived because my depression and anxiety had been building up through these  last few months of events, and I could hardly handle being in any classes. And so I dropped my classes and decided to take care of myself. I had a flight scheduled to go to Arizona to get the rest of the stuff I had left in the house I lived in while I was in Tempe over the summer. And on my way back from that trip, I had a friend in AZ request that I watch her dogs for her over thanksgiving and early December and she said she would pay me and also offered to let me stay with her over the winter. I took that opportunity to head back to Arizona, and I was loving the sunshine. I made new wonderful nerd friends, and saw some friends I made from school at GCU, and others from Church. I spent time working on myself, and even though it was difficult, I was hopeful.
And then Grammy got sick again.
My world was slowing down. I scheduled my flight home as soon as I could with the most affordable flight I could get. I had about 3 and a half days to wait. But it wasn't soon enough. My world came to an eventual halt, as Grammy passed away. I boarded my flight home  to Michigan. And here I am. 
This has been the hardest year I've ever lived.
It has been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. New friendships and losing old ones. 
But I wouldn't change the struggle. Sure, the individual events probably could've gone smoother or been different. And what I wouldn't give to hug my Grammy one more time.
But the year of 2018, is now behind me. 
As the clock strikes midnight here in Michigan, I wish you all a happy and HOPEFUL new year. 
Let us leave the past where it belongs, and move forward. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this peace of my heart, my life...my 2018.

Be Blessed.
~Abby Lynn