Hello friends.
I'm not gonna lie and say this is an easy blog post for me to write. In all honesty, this is taking quite a bit of courage for me to muster up one last 2018 blog post as minutes tick away here in Michigan to ring in the new year of 2019.
If I'm being completely honest with you, as I always am, 2018 has been very brutally, the hardest year I've ever lived. I have been fortunate enough to have lived 23 years of life and counting here on this earth, but this last year, has been the most painful one I can recall living. But that doesn't mean it was the worst.
In 2018, I went through Hell and back.
At the beginning of the year I was in, what i thought to be, a happy relationship. I was making plans to move back to Arizona and I was excited for life. I had high hopes of getting better in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health.
Then April happened.
That relationship I was so happy in came to a tragic end. My heart was shattered. As I tried to pick up the pieces and prepare for my move to Arizona in May, I was briefly hopeful.
Then Uncle Earle passed away.
Right as I was preparing for a big life change to move and live on my own in Arizona, my mom's uncle Earle (whom I also just call my uncle) in Tennessee passed away. That was hard on the family and myself personally as I wished I could have known him better but was thankful for the times I did have with him.
And so then came the time to get on my flight, and I was ready to move to Arizona. While in Arizona over the summer, I made new friends who helped love and support me while I was there. They helped me to learn a lot of lessons about appreciating those who CHOOSE TO STAY in your life, and try and one on from those CHOOSE TO GO.
Then loneliness kicked in.
PERSONAL NOTE HERE: I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and though I don't make it a secret that I have struggled with mental health issues, I haven't been open about the hardest times like what I experienced at the very beginning of July of 2018. After six years of being clean from any form of self-harm, I relapsed. And after that happened, I felt shame. I felt hurt. I realized that I needed help. I broke my one rule. And I'm so sorry to all of those who have been in the struggle with me this year, and have watched me fall again. But to those who stayed, I am eternally grateful for your presence, and your constant love and support. After my relapse I called a friend in Arizona to take me to the hospital. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done-- confronting the issue head on and getting proper help-- but it was the best decision I could have made for myself.
I was in an in-patient care facility for four days, including over the fourth of July. And as scary as my experience was at first, I am so grateful for the medical staff that helped me to be strong enough to be released from the hospital. And so there I was, back on my feet, ready to handle life again-- hopeful, that I could do better with a fresh start.
Then Grammy went to the hospital.
I was in Arizona, planning to come back to Michigan in August to get my car and the rest of my things, and go back to Arizona, but I had an early departure to Michigan when I got the call that said that my mom's mom (my Grammy) was in the hospital and her organs were failing. And so I took my leave, still hoping to come back to AZ, only to not have the funds to afford that much awaited return. But I found it was better that way, because family members from out of state were going to come in to celebrate uncle Earle's life and scatter his ashes in lake Michigan. But before that...
Great Grandma passed away.
I had recalled hearing that my dad's grandma, my great-grandma, wasn't doing very well. I called my grandma and she told me that they weren't sure she'd make it through the night. So dad and I went to go see her one last time, just in case. I held her hand in that retirement home room, thinking she didn't look very comfortable even though they said she was. I was so hoping she'd wake up, even for a minute, to give me some sassy remark that only great grandma would say. But I never did. It got late and we had to go back to Grand Rapids. And so I hugged her, knowing she was tired, and hoping she could hear me. I whispered to her and told her that I loved her so much, that mom and sisters loved her too, and that I understood that she was tired and wanted to go home. And the next morning, she passed.
With that ending my August, I was trying to be optimistic and go into the next semester at school. Sadly, that was short lived because my depression and anxiety had been building up through these last few months of events, and I could hardly handle being in any classes. And so I dropped my classes and decided to take care of myself. I had a flight scheduled to go to Arizona to get the rest of the stuff I had left in the house I lived in while I was in Tempe over the summer. And on my way back from that trip, I had a friend in AZ request that I watch her dogs for her over thanksgiving and early December and she said she would pay me and also offered to let me stay with her over the winter. I took that opportunity to head back to Arizona, and I was loving the sunshine. I made new wonderful nerd friends, and saw some friends I made from school at GCU, and others from Church. I spent time working on myself, and even though it was difficult, I was hopeful.
And then Grammy got sick again.
My world was slowing down. I scheduled my flight home as soon as I could with the most affordable flight I could get. I had about 3 and a half days to wait. But it wasn't soon enough. My world came to an eventual halt, as Grammy passed away. I boarded my flight home to Michigan. And here I am.
This has been the hardest year I've ever lived.
It has been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. New friendships and losing old ones.
But I wouldn't change the struggle. Sure, the individual events probably could've gone smoother or been different. And what I wouldn't give to hug my Grammy one more time.
But the year of 2018, is now behind me.
As the clock strikes midnight here in Michigan, I wish you all a happy and HOPEFUL new year.
Let us leave the past where it belongs, and move forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this peace of my heart, my life...my 2018.
Be Blessed.
~Abby Lynn
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