Hey friends.
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.
"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."
This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...
Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.
Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:
"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen
~AbbyLynn
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