It's been a hella long week. And it's only Tuesday.
Today I wanna talk about what I've been going through lately. I want to address my healing process of taking positive baby steps.
Currently I'm sitting in the Biggby down the street from my house as I wait for a friend to come keep me company for a bit on her way home from work. I'm listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers on repeat as I write because it's inspired me to talk about my healing process and my attempts to fight and "hold on" lately.
As some of you may know from following my Instagram, Facebook, or this blog, I deal with Anxiety, PTSD, a paranoid thought disorder, and Bipolar Depression, and each of those illnesses have been causing me to be feeling hopeless and lost, especially recently. Also, each of those mental illnesses are often misunderstood. My anxiety is more than just being a serious worrier. It's my body's response to a feeling of being unsafe, particularly in public places and when under certain stressors. My PTSD is more than bad memories. It's a bundle of triggers and nightmares that never cease because I've been haunted from a past of poor relationships. My paranoid thought disorder is more than thinking everyone is watching me or out to get me. It's this horrible feeling of intense fear that anyone and/or everyone in my life could and will leave me, especially if I open up about my feelings. And my bipolar depression is so much more than me just having major mood swings. It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, that come and go as they please and often show as reflex responses to stressors that could cause frustration, sadness, or sometimes even happiness to get me feeling on top of the world. But eventually that on top of the world feeling will crash back into a few days to a week or two of horrible depression.
These are my demons, my struggles, and my battles. They've caused me to have a severe lack of appetite recently, as well as many occasions where I tend to either isolate myself, or the opposite feeling where I CRAVE to be around someone who will care and listen to what I have to say without judgement. This explanation of my daily struggles has been a long way to say that healing isn't easy, and it's a long process.
My good friend Kira has given me a form of daily "homework", of course she would seeing as she's a teacher, but I honestly do appreciate it. Each night I have to record and send her two things I love about myself and one thing I'm thankful to God for. And so I've been doing it. Begrudgingly and difficultly. Even when I'm not feeling it. But I suppose that's the point.
I've also come to appreciate the honest talks I've been able to have with my sweet friend Maddy and her brother Lucas, both of them allowing me to open up about where I'm hurt, and being solid soundboards who listen and give encouragement and understanding. I am forever thankful for them.
There are small baby steps to my healing. Writing things down in my "homework" journal from Kira. Learning to listen to Lucas when he tells me to stop putting myself down. Following Maddy's advice to keep fighting even when I don't feel I have the strength. I'm not sure where I'd be without them and more people who have recently allowed me to open up to them about my struggles.
So as I sit here in this Biggby, still listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background 30 minutes later, I'm here to tell you this. Fighting is worth it. Holding on is worth it. Living and loving and pursuing a future is worth it. In the midst of my chaos, there are sweet friends and family members who care for me, whether I realize it fully or not. I am thankful for my blessings and I will continue to take my positive baby steps to healing from recent events that broke me, and old events that have lingered around for too long.
I want to leave you with this message. Yes, it is in fact from the Jonas Brothers song I've been playing this whole time.
"When it falls apart
And your feeling lost,
All your hope is gone,
Don't forget to hold on."
~AbbyLynn
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