"What I Didn't Ask For"-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello, loves.
This post is long overdue. It's a post about the relationship that is at the center of my diagnosed PTSD. So often, people with a past of any form of abuse have been told that they "asked for it", or that "it's all in their head". But this is a slam to those comments, and I have been so afraid of what people might think about it, that I haven't shared it. I've become more bold and decided it's time to share. To anyone who has been through abuse of any kind or something similar, this is FOR you. And to those who think we brought this trauma upon ourselves, this is TO you. This is "What I Didn't Ask For".

"What I Didn't Ask For"// An AbbyLynn Writes Poem
I didn't ask for this...
The horrible trauma,
The haunting flashbacks, 
Or the ever-present loneliness 
That is ironically the only company for me
After our toxic encounter.
I didn't ask for this...
The broken heart,
The relapse into depression,
Or the constant nightmares 
That I'm still dealing with,
Even after years of being away from you.
Believe me, because 
I did not ask for this...
The false rumors spread,
The arguments that stood against me,
And the relentless force 
Of those around me who tried to say
That I was lying, 
And the whole situation was 
"All in my head".
I didn't ask for any of this.

You know what I did ask for?
All I asked for was for you to respect my boundaries.
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to try and understand
Why I was saying "no".
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to stop pressuring me.
But. You. Didn't.

You said you had "needs',
Okay but I had boundaries.
You reasoned it was fine because you loved me,
I mean, yeah, but don't forget I loved you too,
I just showed it differently.
You claimed I didn't love you because I said "no",
But honestly, I could claim you didn't love me,
Because though I said no,
You kept pressuring me anyway.

Maybe you did love me,
But then why didn't you respect me?
Maybe you did love me,
But then how come you never accepted my wishes?
Maybe in some weird and twisted way,
You did love me,
But I still always felt like
I was replaceable to you.

And in the end I've been replaced.
You didn't need me, you see?
Was it really worth the mess you made
Of my mind and emotions
Just to say you loved me by how you touched my body??

Because looking back, 
I'd say you felt lust, not love.
You found love with a new woman, I see.
And I'm still piecing myself back together
After all the ways you shattered me.
But don't worry about me,
I know you wouldn't anyway.
I'll be fine somehow,
As I fumble clumsily with new experiences,
Trying to know what love really is.
But I know what love isn't,
And I suppose that's a good place to start.

Love is nothing like the pressure I was under.
Love is nothing like the manipulation I endure.
No, plain and simply, love is nothing like you.
Because I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
A drunken black eye.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Reasons to feel guilty.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Hell.
You gave me Hell.
And I did NOT ask for that.

~AbbyLynn