The Hardest Year I've Ever Lived// Leaving 2018 Behind Me

Hello friends.
I'm not gonna lie and say this is an easy blog post for me to write. In all honesty, this is taking quite a bit of courage for me to muster up one last 2018 blog post as minutes tick away here in Michigan to ring in the new year of 2019.
If I'm being completely honest with you, as I always am, 2018 has been very brutally, the hardest year I've ever lived. I have been fortunate enough to have lived 23 years of life and counting here on this earth, but this last year, has been the most painful one I can recall living. But that doesn't mean it was the worst.
In 2018, I went through Hell and back.
At the beginning of the year I was in, what i thought to be, a happy relationship. I was making plans to move back to Arizona and I was excited for life. I had high hopes of getting better in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health.
Then April happened.
That relationship I was so happy in came to a tragic end. My heart was shattered. As I tried to pick up the pieces and prepare for my move to Arizona in May, I was briefly hopeful. 
Then Uncle Earle passed away.
Right as I was preparing for a big life change to move and live on my own in Arizona, my mom's uncle Earle (whom I also just call my uncle) in Tennessee passed away. That was hard on the family and myself personally as I wished I could have known him better but was thankful for the times I did have with him. 
And so then came the time to get on my flight, and I was ready to move to Arizona. While in Arizona over the summer, I made new friends who helped love and support me while I was there. They helped me to learn a lot of lessons about appreciating those who CHOOSE TO STAY in your life, and try and one on from those CHOOSE TO GO. 
Then loneliness kicked in.
PERSONAL NOTE HERE: I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and though I don't make it a secret that I have struggled with mental health issues, I haven't been open about the hardest times like what I experienced at the very beginning of July of 2018. After six years of being clean from any form of self-harm, I relapsed. And after that happened, I felt shame. I felt hurt. I realized that I needed help. I broke my one rule. And I'm so sorry to all of those who have been in the struggle with me this year, and have watched me fall again. But to those who stayed, I am eternally grateful for your presence, and your constant love and support. After my relapse I called a friend in Arizona to take me to the hospital. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done-- confronting the issue head on and getting proper help-- but it was the best decision I could have made for myself. 
I was in an in-patient care facility for four days, including over the fourth of July. And as scary as my experience was at first, I am so grateful for the medical staff that helped me to be strong enough to be released from the hospital. And so there I was, back on my feet, ready to handle life again-- hopeful, that I could do better with a fresh start.
Then Grammy went to the hospital.
I was in Arizona, planning to come back to Michigan in August to get my car and the rest of my things, and go back to Arizona, but I had an early departure to Michigan when I got the call that said that my mom's mom (my Grammy) was in the hospital and her organs were failing. And so I took my leave, still hoping to come back to AZ, only to not have the funds to afford that much awaited return. But I found it was better that way, because family members from out of state were going to come in to celebrate uncle Earle's life and scatter his ashes in lake Michigan. But before that...
Great Grandma passed away.
I had recalled hearing that my dad's grandma, my great-grandma, wasn't doing very well. I called my grandma and she told me that they weren't sure she'd make it through the night. So dad and I went to go see her one last time, just in case. I held her hand in that retirement home room, thinking she didn't look very comfortable even though they said she was. I was so hoping she'd wake up, even for a minute, to give me some sassy remark that only great grandma would say. But I never did. It got late and we had to go back to Grand Rapids. And so I hugged her, knowing she was tired, and hoping she could hear me. I whispered to her and told her that I loved her so much, that mom and sisters loved her too, and that I understood that she was tired and wanted to go home. And the next morning, she passed.
With that ending my August, I was trying to be optimistic and go into the next semester at school. Sadly, that was short lived because my depression and anxiety had been building up through these  last few months of events, and I could hardly handle being in any classes. And so I dropped my classes and decided to take care of myself. I had a flight scheduled to go to Arizona to get the rest of the stuff I had left in the house I lived in while I was in Tempe over the summer. And on my way back from that trip, I had a friend in AZ request that I watch her dogs for her over thanksgiving and early December and she said she would pay me and also offered to let me stay with her over the winter. I took that opportunity to head back to Arizona, and I was loving the sunshine. I made new wonderful nerd friends, and saw some friends I made from school at GCU, and others from Church. I spent time working on myself, and even though it was difficult, I was hopeful.
And then Grammy got sick again.
My world was slowing down. I scheduled my flight home as soon as I could with the most affordable flight I could get. I had about 3 and a half days to wait. But it wasn't soon enough. My world came to an eventual halt, as Grammy passed away. I boarded my flight home  to Michigan. And here I am. 
This has been the hardest year I've ever lived.
It has been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. New friendships and losing old ones. 
But I wouldn't change the struggle. Sure, the individual events probably could've gone smoother or been different. And what I wouldn't give to hug my Grammy one more time.
But the year of 2018, is now behind me. 
As the clock strikes midnight here in Michigan, I wish you all a happy and HOPEFUL new year. 
Let us leave the past where it belongs, and move forward. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this peace of my heart, my life...my 2018.

Be Blessed.
~Abby Lynn 

Yesterday-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello my friends,

This post is gonna be a poem/monologue I wrote about my take on a piece of a song I love by a band called The Night Game. The song is called "Die A Little" and the line goes like this "What killed me yesterday, baby is still a part of me. I had to die a little to learn to survive a little." And so here we have my expanse on the concept of never being again who we were yesterday, even though it's something often looked for and caught after...

"Yesterday"

by: AbbyLynn Writes

Isn't it quite strange, Or rather quite curious,

That we will never be again Who we were yesterday?

Or perhaps your "yesterday" Is not being the same

As you were before Your parents divorce.

Maybe your yesterday is being changed

After a relationship of abuse.

Or what if yesterday means becoming different

After losing a loved one you held close to your heart.

However, your yesterday might be 

Nothing like these at all.

Because your yesterday could be never returning

To the way you felt before you got clean from drugs or alcohol.

Your yesterday might be walking away from a toxic environment

Or relationship in attempt to better yourself.

Quite possibly your yesterday could be as simple as 

One small decision that is followed by a ripple of changes 

That take you further and further away

From your yesterday.

A choice like picking up the help line,

And putting down the razor.

Or maybe a choice of listening to your mother

When she said "don't go to that party".

Or even still, it could be as easy as 

Throwing out the old beaten and battered converse,

And throwing on a pair of bright and colorful new ones.

No matter the good or the bad stories 

That your yesterday has held,

I urge you to choose to hold on to the hope

That comes with this curious truth;

That we will never again be who we were

During the ever so heavy days of yesterday.

There are days that hold things are worse than 

Our yesterdays have held previously.

Those are the days when I long for "before".

I wish to be who I was 

Before he came into my life.

I wasn't to live the way I did

Before I got bullied into depression.

I'd give anything to be as happy as I was 

Before the world ruined me...

And yes though it's true That pieces of my heart 

Have broken into smaller shards Of what is once was,

Leaving it entirely unrecognizable,

Perhaps, that's the point...

These pieces of my heart have broken into shapes

That complete a whole new puzzle.

No, I may never be as happy as I was,

Or feel the same love I had,

Or be as bold as "before".

But just because it's a different looking puzzle of a heart

Does not mean that it will cease to portray a beautiful image.

Every story will take unexpected twists and turns,

Leading us further from our yesterday,

But be strong my friend, 

Because we can't write a new story

if we keep reading the same page

Over and over again.

We will always have our "befores" and our "yesterdays"

But we will let them die when they need to,

Because how can we bloom In a garden of ash and concrete,

When we need the soil to be rich and full of nutrients

If we ever plan to grow.

So let me say this:

Do not strive to achieve that same

As your before or your yesterday.

Do better.

Because even if it is the dead of winter,

The sun will have to come out eventually.

And when it does, spring will arrive 

And spring will likely go as seasons do,

But just hold close to the knowledge

That though today is different than your yesterday,

That does not mean that it will stay worse than it.

Be strong, my friend,

Because "before" has "after",

And "yesterday" has "today",

And new hope can always bloom when well nourished.

So you never know who you'll be after today.

You will never know who you'll be tomorrow.

~AbbyLynn

Fickle Friendships-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello new friends, old friends, awkward "idk if we really even are friends" friends, and the like... This is a poem that I've felt compelled to write for a friend of mine who, though we have had our own sky-high ups and valley-low downs, has sadly found themselves in a state of realization that their past friendships have been fickle ones (hence the title). I've been there and I know others have been too. This is for anyone who shares the same feelings we have experienced. If you've ever felt like you were always the second choice. If you've never felt like you qualified as someone's "best friend". If you always wondered why those who said they'd be there for you simply...weren't. This is for you...

"Fickle Friendships"
By: AbbyLynn Writes

Lift up your head dear, 
yes, you, laying down.
Now tell me why is it
That you wear such a frown?
I hear you cry when you think 
No one's around,
I know You're never in town
but why would you wanna be?
Cause here lie the shattered dreams
And worn out memories.
Here lie former words
Of people that you once knew,
People who promised that
They would always love you,
they'd swear it's true 
And might even claim 
That they still do.

But I know you don't believe that,
I can see it in your face,
And the hurried way
That you try to erase
your true emotions.
You don't wanna cause a big commotion
"I'm fine" you say to them,
You just need a little rest, right?
Get some more sleep to fix
the fact you know it's not quite
what you wanted.

No, This was never what you wanted,
to watch people always leaving,
while you're left believing
they really cared.
This was never what you wanted
To see people always go
and then say "yeah, i know,
but they were already out the door anyway..."
This was NEVER what you wanted,
To be laying here alone,
with just just a dimmed light from your phone
with no messages.

There are no texts that say "I miss you!"
or "How are you, by the way?"
Because those you want to hear that from
Didn't bother to stay.
That's the sad truth of a friendship
such as this,
Where it's far too fickle 
To be more than sent adrift.
But you thought it was a gift
to have friendship in your life,
And it is my dear,
You're absolutely right.
But a friendship so fickle
might as well be artificial,
because there's nothing really left
To pick up when they are gone.
But know that it's true,
When a friend loves you for you,
Not much is left "impossible"
though things might still be wrong.
Because there's nothing quite as strong
as a friendship like that.

That is a friendship worth chasing after,
Where you both keep running
when there's nothing left to capture
But never ending moments 
From hurt into laughter.
A friend that you fight for 
Is someone just like you,
Because they're out there looking
For another them, too!
Someone who doesn't leave 
When the going get's tough,
And you can know that, to them,
You will always be enough,
They'll give you so much love
And they won't take it back!
They want you to keep it,
Or share it at that.


That's the kind of friendship 
That I wish upon your life.
Someone who enters
In the midsts of your strife
But they love you for your heart
And everything you are,
No matter near or far,
They're always there behind you.
Who else is gonna show you
all the darkness you can shine through?

So, dear, lift up your face,
Or rather-- friend-- if I may.
And let me wipe away that tear
From your cheek so I can say
That I am no fickle friend,
and I hope that goes for two,
So next time you think
"Where are my friends?"
Just look right next to you. 


~AbbyLynn

Lessons From A Best Friend-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello, cupcakes.
It's AbbyLynn, your friendly neighborhood blogger here! This is a special poem/appreciation post for someone very special to me. One of my best and longest friends, Mandy, moved to South Korea the other day for an internship she is pursuing, and though I am very happy for her and her successes and opportunities, I can't lie and say that it has been easy to watch her go. She's been my best friend since I was 5. That's like 18 years, my friends. Our friendship can VOTE. And that to me is CRAZY stuff. SO anyway, I wrote this poem that I shared with her before she left, and I'd like to share it with you all as well, in appreciation and love for her. I hope you like it! This is my poem: Lessons From A Best Friend...

"Lessons From A Best Friend" 
By: AbbyLynn Writes

You're so much more than wanted;
An adventure I never planned,
The kind that's full of new surprises
And is always something grand.
But you're the rarest of adventures
Because you taught me something new;
Lessons I could not have learned
If I had not met you.

You taught me to find calm
In the middle of a storm,
And all the while, you gave me hope
When I was feeling worn.
In these storms, I found a strength
While I was beaten down,
And even in my hurricanes,
You always stuck around.

You taught me that I wasn't made
To do this life alone,
And you helped to heal the heart
Of a girl who's "accident-prone".
You knew my heart was fragile--
Needing soft and tender care.
So when I though I was alone,
Well, you were always there.

You helped me to appreciate
A life of light and love,
My dear sweet friend, you are an answer
To the prayers I sent above.
Because when I was lonely,
God knew that I'd need you.
He gave me more than just a friend,
But another sister too!

So let me state it clearly,
That I love you very much,
And even as we part our ways,
We'll surely keep in touch.
I need for you to know
Just how much I care for you,
And know I love you even more
After all that we've been through.

It's true you mean the world to me;
You're one of my biggest blessings
Always there for my support
In the midst of chaos and stressing.
Without you here my world will be
A little bit less bright,
Because you met me in my darkness
To help turn on the light.

You're so much more than wanted:
The adventure I love the most,
And tho I need to let you go,
I'll always hold you close.
The love you've given me is held
Strongly in my heart,
So know that I am proud of you,
And we're never far apart.

Yes, you're so much more than wanted,
And more than my best friend.
You're the sister I didn't know I needed
That's why I'll love you till the end.

~AbbyLynn

Help Me-- When God Is Quiet

"Am I wrong for feeling this way? 
Am I wrong for asking why? 
Am I wrong for feeling this way? 
Somebody help me.

Even though I'm nowhere, 
Even though I'm so scared, 
You're reaching out. 
Gonna hold me till I'm alright, 
Make it right in my mind, 
Won't let me down.
I'm trusting in your plan, 
When I don't have the answers. 
Even when I'm nowhere, 
even though I'm so scared, 
You help me." 

Hello my loves.
Today I've done a lot of thinking and I'd like to share my conclusive thoughts with you, if I may.
First, how about I tell you what I was thinking about...
I have had, honestly, the hardest five months of my life. And though I can be over dramatic at time, this is in all seriousness. I've lost some once very important people in my life who walked out of it, and lost some people who still matter very much who have passed away. It's been the loneliest season I can recall living and, this being in all honesty from my heart, I have never felt so much heartache and pain that I can think of. That said, I want to explain the lyrics I opened with and share a quotes from church yesterday that hit my heart...
These lyrics are from the song "Help Me", a song written by my new friends who are in the band Alive City. This song is what I opened this with because it's literally my heart cry at this point in my life. In the first verse of the song, it has the questions of "why am I going nowhere", "why am I feeling so scared", and "where are my answers". The song then proceeds to ask if these feelings are wrong and cries out for help. That's essentially what I've been feeling for the past five months. 
My life has had so many falling outs these past five months and so much has happened that has left me incredibly broken-hearted and hurt inside. I've learned a lot through this journey in the midst of my pain, however. And that's why I'm writing this to you, because I want to share the lessons I've learned in hopes that if you reading this are also in a season similar to mine, you may find hope in knowing that you aren't as alone as you think. Oh and by the way, your questions wondering if how you're feeling is wrong? It's not wrong. It's totally normal because I've been there-- or rather, I AM there right now. 

"God is still God in your Babylon."
~Pastor Jeremy Schossau 

This one needs a bit of back story for those of you who aren't as knowledgable about biblical history... 
Well you first you need to realize and acknowledge this: That God, all throughout history, has a habit of interrupting man's plans, and that is the best thing that could ever happen to us, even if we don't know it yet.
Now Pastor Jeremy shared a sermon on Jeremiah 29, and the context is that basically up until rather recently, Israel was doing really well in terms of overcoming their enemies and winning their battles. Note that overcoming enemies and winning battles back in this time was seen as not just having good skill, but having good gods, and Israel was doing so well that others thought they must have a great one. Anyway, so in about 930 B.C., the kingdom of Israel divides into the northern and southern kingdoms, and in about 200 years(~722 B.C.) the Assyrians conquer the Northern kingdom. Then in 586 B.C., the southern kingdom falls to the Babylonians (though the first wave of exiles came in 605 B.C... REMEMBER THIS, it has context importance later!). Here's where we start to come to the climax of this point... While in exile and captive in Babylon, Jeremiah, who was a prophet who literally told Israel that bad things would happen if they didn't get their act together and return to their faith in the God of heaven, sent them a letter. Now, you'd think this would be one big "I told you so!" kind of letter. But instead, it was a letter of encouragement. Like MAJOR encouragement. It essentially said that they would be in Babylon for 70 years, or a lifetime, basically meaning that this current generation would never leave Babylon. BUT GOD (because there's always a gotta be a good BUT GOD moment) will bring the nation of Israel out and do all that He has promised. In comes one of the most popular verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11...
 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"~Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
Here's God just doing what He does, and that is coming in at HIS time and by HIS methods to save HIS people. But wait just a second, why didn't God just let them keep having triumphant victories? Why couldn't He just keep being present for His people? First, the people of Israel were rebelling against God and conforming to the ways of other nations, and this displeased Him of course. And second is a trick question, because from this whole story we have seen that God is always present and at work EVEN IN BABYLON. And so comes the quote from Pastor Jeremy: "God is still God in your Babylon". Because even when God is quiet, God is still good and God is still working. And this leads me to my final quote from yesterday that impacted my heart...

"A teacher is always silent during a test."
~Evan Neal

By now, I hope you've realized that God is present in your trials, even if you don't realize it, but why can't you hear His still voice? Why can't He be more obvious? I can assure you, it's not a form of punishment, and it's not to make you feel alone. But just think about it like school. You're constantly given tests on what you learn. What's the point of a test? To take what you learn and to apply it for better results in the end. What's the point of God's tests? To take what we learn and to apply it for BETTER results in the end. But here's the kicker. Ever notice how a teacher talks and teachers and goes on and on and on about what they want you to learn, but then they're quiet when you're taking your test? That's because they want you to apply your lessons learned just like God wants you to become better on the other side of your struggles. So next time you feel like God has abandoned you, a teacher is always silent during a test. 

Well there you have it, my loves. That's what I took away from yesterday's defining moments and the past week in reflection on my current season I've experienced these last five months. I am hopeful and trusting in the LORD to bring me out of my Babylon, and to be present while I'm still in it. I hope you will trust Him too. And remember that even in His silence, take your trials to REFINE you and not DEFINE you. Be blessed, sweet friends.

~AbbyLynn

Where Healing Comes From-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello my loves.
Man, oh man. Life sure has happened in the past few months now, hasn't it? I've been through trials galore, and yet here I am, still standing-- or in this case, sitting, if we want literal terms-- and I'm going through life as it's given to me.
I moved to Arizona, moved back to Michigan from Arizona, lost my Uncle Earle, lost my Great Grandma, got two new jobs in Michigan, reapplied for classes at GRCC, and now here I sit in this coffee shop on a rainy Monday morning here in the mitten state. My friends, nothing about this journey has been easy, and I'd like to share a small monologue I wrote last weekend when I was with my dear friends, The Birdsongs. I was enjoying their outdoor concert when, sitting in the grass and enjoying their music and their overall presence, I felt something I had to write. So here it is.

Where Healing Comes From
an AbbyLynn Writes Original

I'd like to say that healing comes in with a bang. Almost like there's this big defining revelation moment where *BAM* you feel better. But that's just not how it works. Your healing is found in the little things that are slowly bringing the broken pieces back into one. Healing is found in the times you hear your old favorite songs on the radio in the car, wind blowing through your hair on a nice mild and sunny day. It's found in the way you feel when you're with your friends and your eyes light up and your smile bursts, turning into a full laughter that you haven't felt in so long. It's found in the family that surrounds you in your time of need, blood related or not, knowing that you--in the midst of your chaos-- are so very cared for. It's not a sudden bang of thunder or flash of lightning that shows you that you are allowed to feel better now. Because it's not whether or not you are allowed to feel better. It's never been about that. It's always been about the simple reminder that you are worthy of love. Not by anything you have ever done or could ever do, but because you have been given grace you could never earn. You have been given freedom you could never work for. You have been given love that you may have never asked for, but it has been so openly given to you, and I encourage you, sweet friend, to receive that love fully. Live in your freedom and embrace the grace lavished upon you. It has been paid for with your Savior's blood, and it would be just about cruel not to accept the love He is trying to give you. Because isn't that what you always wanted from the very beginning-- To be loved? Because you are, and always have been. No,your healing has never been about someone allowing you to be whole again, but by noticing your Maker's hand in all the little things He's given you to say simply, "I love you". Find your peace in His goodness and His graciousness. And that is what will make you whole.

Thank you for reading, my friends. Be blessed and know that you are worthy of love.

~Abby Lynn

Lessons Learned -- Embracing What I've Been Given

Hello lovelies.

It's honesty time. Not that I'm not always honest on this blog, but I'm choosing to be specifically honest about what I've been learning lately, big life changes, and where my heart is at currently. 

First, guess what? Ya girl is back in the desert, and I'm loving it. I missed the dry heat, the sunshine, the mountains, the palm trees, and of course, the wonderful people I had enter my life over my previous season here in Arizona. Yes, of course it has been difficult to leave my Michigan family and friends, but God's been leading me down a crazy road and it brought me back here to Arizona. I'm not gonna lie to you and say that things have been the easiest just because I'm back in the sunshine. Up until recently, I hadn't even confessed to myself about how afraid I was of this move. All the "what if" questions that came along with coming back and living on my own officially. Yeah, I was technically on my own when I was at GCU, but everything then was basically prepaid, and being here now, I'm paying rent and living with roommates and things are now dependent on my new job (that I am very blessed to have and thankful for, by the way) and the money I can make every few weeks so I can afford living expenses and paying bills. I'm actually on my own now, and my friends, I can't say it's easy. I've been completely terrified. Completely and absolutely broken down. I've fallen to my knees in prayer that God would make it easier on me, taking away the anxiety, taking away the depression that still exists, even in the sunlight I have here. It's definitely been more manageable, but it's still there. At this point I am, as I should be always, completely relying on God and His strength to get me through whatever comes my way. I can't do this on my own. I need Him. And not only do I need my God, I need the community He has recently placed in my life that I have been so blessed by.   

I already had my wonderful roommates, Tori and Hannah, that I knew I was gonna be living with. I already had my previous GCU friends Luke, Emily, Courtney, as well as others who will be back in the fall. And I already had my Hillsong church family, but the problem there is that I came here with no car. No way to get to downtown Phoenix. So the original plan was for Emily to come through here in Tempe to get me on the way to Phoenix and we would take turns paying for gas to get to church, but then I had coffee with my dear friend Luke. And Luke is possibly one of my biggest blessings to have here in Arizona in form of a person. For a variety of reasons, but here we're focusing on this reason... He invited me to his church, The Collective, that just so happens to be within walking distance from my house here in Tempe. This, my friends, is something I've noticed to be God-orchestrated. I went to The Collective for the first time only a few weeks ago, and everyone there has already welcomed me in with open hearts and open arms and I love them so much, and have received love from them in return. This is a community that I am so thankful to join and be a part of. So Luke, I can't thank you enough for inviting me in to this church family. I have come to know beautiful souls who I can now call friends like Stacia, Haley, and Kaitlyn, and I'm so excited to know them more. I'm so blessed by these wonderful people that have been introduced into my life.

Something else I've been learning along with the value of community is this: Don't fight to be in the lives of people who don't fight to be in yours. If somebody isn't choosing you as a priority, then please don't make theme of yours. I've been learning this the hard way. Constantly chasing people and pursuing people and choosing people who haven't chased, pursued, or chosen me in return. I've come to the conclusion that I should stop spending so much time being sad about and mourning because of the people who don't wanna be in my life, and start spending time being joyful and celebrating those who do wanna be in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and so much goodness in my life, I don't need to be dragged down by toxicity of people who won't choose me back.

And finally, the lesson I've been wrestling with the most is something I heard at The Collective church this past Sunday. I can't tell you enough how thankful I am to have been invited into this community, even in such a short time with this family of believers, I've been able to express myself honestly, learn from them incredibly, and grow my heart deeply. And so this past Sunday, Nate was teaching on recognizing lies and false prophets. How Satan wants us to believe his lies and be frightened by them. But we have been informed that we can be fearless through our Savior. God has already given us the tools to fight against our fears and the lies we are told. Nate used the example of his daughter sitting at the table with a plate of bacon. Suddenly, his dog, who is much bigger than his daughter, comes up to the table and wants the bacon. And though Nate, the father of the family, is right there, even bigger than the dog after the bacon, his daughter is still afraid when she focuses on how big the dog is. This is a very simple model to show that we focus so much on the dog(symbolizing the devil) trying to get to us and make us afraid, that we don't focus on our dad (symbolizing our heavenly Father) who is much MUCH bigger than the dog. When we focus on our Father, our fears can fade because we know who we are, and WHOSE we are. We belong to the Father and fears and lies and satan himself don't have enough power to overcome us. It's all the power we give the fears and the lies and the darkness. We can be fearless by testing the truth of what we have heard because they should not be fear-based teachings. We can be fearless by knowing and believing in our new identity found in the Father. And we can be fearless by speaking out against the lies we hear. We have the armor of God, and one weapon against all darkness to come against us: The WORD of God. And that, my friends, is more than enough. Satan knows what we're afraid of and he tries to use that against us, but when we focus on the love and truth of the Father? We can overcome the darkness.

I hope you were able to be encouraged by what I've been learning, my friends. Be blessed and be strong. We have so much more power than the darkness in this world, because the Spirit in us is so much greater.

Special thanks to Stacia, Haley, and Kaitlyn for being some of the most welcoming ladies I've been able to connect with so far from The Collective. Also Hannah and Tori for being my roommates and dealing with my mood swings, sassiness, horrible cooking, and other things you learn to live with in roommate situations. And finally, Luke, Emily, and Courtney for always praying for me, lifting me up in ways I can't lift myself up, and for being such strong people for me to lean on to point me back to my Savior. I love you all beyond words. 

~Abby Lynn

Better Not Bitter -- Tough Perspectives

Hello dear friends.
"God is good, but life's still hard."
This post is gonna get right to the point. I've been going through some real tough stuff in my life and it's taking a toll on my heart. The depression is real, the anxiety is high, and the paranoia is running my thoughts. I'm trying to go the "happiness is a state of mind" route. But I'm not really sure if I even believe that phrase is true. If my happiness was a state of mind, I think I'd be...well... happier. I want happiness. I want joy even more. I want fulfillment. I want to feel full and satisfied in my life. I want my heart to pour over with love and for freedom to show in my life. Because Jesus has set me free from my past. He sets me free from continuous pain because He is the ultimate healer. I am trying so hard to be "happy", but no matter my state of mind, I need to know the state of my heart and soul.
I believe that God can take my life and turn it around. But I need a heart and soul check. My friends, my advice to you and to myself is to find satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ because that's where the true joy can be found. Whether your going through struggles in friendships and relationships, or you are content in your standing with people... Whether you are in a good place of good days, or you can't even get out of bed in the morning because it simply hurts to breathe... Whether you are currently dealing with any form of illness, or you've never felt better in your life... I recommend that you find your fulfillment in things outside of the external values. Find your satisfaction in the presence of the Lord. He is the satisfaction that fills the holes in our hearts. We all have an emptiness that we are longing to fill, and so often we turn to worldly loves and pleasures and excitement to give us a rush and feeling of significance. But there in no greater love than the love our Father in Heaven has for us. There is no greater power than the healing hand of God. There is no greater fulfillment than the overflowing joy that comes with knowing our Savior on a personal level.
I have been so lost the past few days and weeks and basically I've been in a physical and emotional winter season that has taken me into a darkness in my heart. But today, I woke up at 3am. Not only was I wide awake but I was rather content with where I was. I was awake, I was confident in getting better, and I was ready to step into the light. I'm choosing to get better not bitter, as the title says. I will pursue the One who relentlessly pursues me first. He has never stopped providing for me, even in my most barren droughts, he gave me life and breathed breath into my lungs and gave me the courage and power to fight another day, and another day,  and another day. I must keep fighting, and I will keep fighting knowing it will get better. Some days I might not believe it, but I'll keep having the "just survive tomorrow" mindset when I am down, until my thoughts are filled with "I can't wait for tomorrow". I can do this, and so can you. We are in this together. Though it is incredibly difficult to maintain an optimistic perspective, I believe that every day, there is a chance for restoration. After all, His mercies are new every morning. I hope and pray that you too, my dear friends, can find hope for tomorrow. Because joy truly does come in the morning. So let's keep living our lives for each morning of new mercies and joy and the light promised to come. We weren't made to do this all alone. So let's do this together. The presence of the Holy Spirit is life giving, so let's live this life as best as we can.
"Life is hard, but God's still good."
~Abby Lynn 

"You don't love me if..."(My 'Me Too' Story)

Hello my loves.
Here is something long overdue. My "me too" story. But with a twist. It's a poem, because it's how I chose to express myself and get the painful truth written down.

"You Don't Love Me If..." 
I didn't know it then,
Who you would make me into,
The monster I'd become, 
The colorful world you would soon turn gray,
Or the beautiful mind I had
That would spend years in therapy
Because of how you treated me.
"He's just being a guy" they said.
"All guys are like that" I was told.
"It's just what guys do" they reasoned.
But it's not what guys do.
Only guys like you,
Who are low enough to take a girl
Who loved herself fully and
Loved herself boldly
And use the "You don't love me if you don't..." excuse
Just to get what you want.
Just because leaving you was my choice,
I don't get comfort from others,
Nor do I get "I'm sorry" from you.
And you know something?
I don't think you are sorry,
Because you got what you wanted,
Even if it was by force.
Now you've been gone,
And here I am waking up screaming
In the middle of the night
Due to traumatic memories haunting my sleep
After all you put me through
And what are you doing now?
Probably the same thing to some other girl.
Unless you've changed,
And for her sake, I hope you have.
Don't you hurt her like you did me,
Don't manipulate her,
Or mess with her mind,
Or toy with her feelings.
And don't you use the "You don't love me if..." excuse.
Because I did love you.
More fiercely than I loved myself,
And this is my biggest regret now.
That I wasted so much time loving you so fiercely,
Finding better ways to care for you,
And know you,
And do nice things for you...
That I forgot myself.

~AbbyLynn