Hello, loves.
This post is long overdue. It's a post about the relationship that is at the center of my diagnosed PTSD. So often, people with a past of any form of abuse have been told that they "asked for it", or that "it's all in their head". But this is a slam to those comments, and I have been so afraid of what people might think about it, that I haven't shared it. I've become more bold and decided it's time to share. To anyone who has been through abuse of any kind or something similar, this is FOR you. And to those who think we brought this trauma upon ourselves, this is TO you. This is "What I Didn't Ask For".
"What I Didn't Ask For"// An AbbyLynn Writes Poem
I didn't ask for this...
The horrible trauma,
The haunting flashbacks,
Or the ever-present loneliness
That is ironically the only company for me
After our toxic encounter.
I didn't ask for this...
The broken heart,
The relapse into depression,
Or the constant nightmares
That I'm still dealing with,
Even after years of being away from you.
Believe me, because
I did not ask for this...
The false rumors spread,
The arguments that stood against me,
And the relentless force
Of those around me who tried to say
That I was lying,
And the whole situation was
"All in my head".
I didn't ask for any of this.
You know what I did ask for?
All I asked for was for you to respect my boundaries.
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to try and understand
Why I was saying "no".
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to stop pressuring me.
But. You. Didn't.
You said you had "needs',
Okay but I had boundaries.
You reasoned it was fine because you loved me,
I mean, yeah, but don't forget I loved you too,
I just showed it differently.
You claimed I didn't love you because I said "no",
But honestly, I could claim you didn't love me,
Because though I said no,
You kept pressuring me anyway.
Maybe you did love me,
But then why didn't you respect me?
Maybe you did love me,
But then how come you never accepted my wishes?
Maybe in some weird and twisted way,
You did love me,
But I still always felt like
I was replaceable to you.
And in the end I've been replaced.
You didn't need me, you see?
Was it really worth the mess you made
Of my mind and emotions
Just to say you loved me by how you touched my body??
Because looking back,
I'd say you felt lust, not love.
You found love with a new woman, I see.
And I'm still piecing myself back together
After all the ways you shattered me.
But don't worry about me,
I know you wouldn't anyway.
I'll be fine somehow,
As I fumble clumsily with new experiences,
Trying to know what love really is.
But I know what love isn't,
And I suppose that's a good place to start.
Love is nothing like the pressure I was under.
Love is nothing like the manipulation I endure.
No, plain and simply, love is nothing like you.
Because I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
A drunken black eye.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Reasons to feel guilty.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Hell.
You gave me Hell.
And I did NOT ask for that.
~AbbyLynn
Friday, July 12, 2019
Monday, July 8, 2019
Hi I'm Abby--The Truth About Mental Illness
Hey friends.
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.
"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."
This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...
Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.
Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:
"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen
~AbbyLynn
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.
"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."
This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...
Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.
Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:
"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen
~AbbyLynn
Monday, December 31, 2018
The Hardest Year I've Ever Lived// Leaving 2018 Behind Me
Hello friends.
I'm not gonna lie and say this is an easy blog post for me to write. In all honesty, this is taking quite a bit of courage for me to muster up one last 2018 blog post as minutes tick away here in Michigan to ring in the new year of 2019.
If I'm being completely honest with you, as I always am, 2018 has been very brutally, the hardest year I've ever lived. I have been fortunate enough to have lived 23 years of life and counting here on this earth, but this last year, has been the most painful one I can recall living. But that doesn't mean it was the worst.
In 2018, I went through Hell and back.
At the beginning of the year I was in, what i thought to be, a happy relationship. I was making plans to move back to Arizona and I was excited for life. I had high hopes of getting better in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health.
Then April happened.
That relationship I was so happy in came to a tragic end. My heart was shattered. As I tried to pick up the pieces and prepare for my move to Arizona in May, I was briefly hopeful.
Then Uncle Earle passed away.
Right as I was preparing for a big life change to move and live on my own in Arizona, my mom's uncle Earle (whom I also just call my uncle) in Tennessee passed away. That was hard on the family and myself personally as I wished I could have known him better but was thankful for the times I did have with him.
And so then came the time to get on my flight, and I was ready to move to Arizona. While in Arizona over the summer, I made new friends who helped love and support me while I was there. They helped me to learn a lot of lessons about appreciating those who CHOOSE TO STAY in your life, and try and one on from those CHOOSE TO GO.
Then loneliness kicked in.
PERSONAL NOTE HERE: I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and though I don't make it a secret that I have struggled with mental health issues, I haven't been open about the hardest times like what I experienced at the very beginning of July of 2018. After six years of being clean from any form of self-harm, I relapsed. And after that happened, I felt shame. I felt hurt. I realized that I needed help. I broke my one rule. And I'm so sorry to all of those who have been in the struggle with me this year, and have watched me fall again. But to those who stayed, I am eternally grateful for your presence, and your constant love and support. After my relapse I called a friend in Arizona to take me to the hospital. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done-- confronting the issue head on and getting proper help-- but it was the best decision I could have made for myself.
I was in an in-patient care facility for four days, including over the fourth of July. And as scary as my experience was at first, I am so grateful for the medical staff that helped me to be strong enough to be released from the hospital. And so there I was, back on my feet, ready to handle life again-- hopeful, that I could do better with a fresh start.
Then Grammy went to the hospital.
I was in Arizona, planning to come back to Michigan in August to get my car and the rest of my things, and go back to Arizona, but I had an early departure to Michigan when I got the call that said that my mom's mom (my Grammy) was in the hospital and her organs were failing. And so I took my leave, still hoping to come back to AZ, only to not have the funds to afford that much awaited return. But I found it was better that way, because family members from out of state were going to come in to celebrate uncle Earle's life and scatter his ashes in lake Michigan. But before that...
Great Grandma passed away.
I had recalled hearing that my dad's grandma, my great-grandma, wasn't doing very well. I called my grandma and she told me that they weren't sure she'd make it through the night. So dad and I went to go see her one last time, just in case. I held her hand in that retirement home room, thinking she didn't look very comfortable even though they said she was. I was so hoping she'd wake up, even for a minute, to give me some sassy remark that only great grandma would say. But I never did. It got late and we had to go back to Grand Rapids. And so I hugged her, knowing she was tired, and hoping she could hear me. I whispered to her and told her that I loved her so much, that mom and sisters loved her too, and that I understood that she was tired and wanted to go home. And the next morning, she passed.
With that ending my August, I was trying to be optimistic and go into the next semester at school. Sadly, that was short lived because my depression and anxiety had been building up through these last few months of events, and I could hardly handle being in any classes. And so I dropped my classes and decided to take care of myself. I had a flight scheduled to go to Arizona to get the rest of the stuff I had left in the house I lived in while I was in Tempe over the summer. And on my way back from that trip, I had a friend in AZ request that I watch her dogs for her over thanksgiving and early December and she said she would pay me and also offered to let me stay with her over the winter. I took that opportunity to head back to Arizona, and I was loving the sunshine. I made new wonderful nerd friends, and saw some friends I made from school at GCU, and others from Church. I spent time working on myself, and even though it was difficult, I was hopeful.
And then Grammy got sick again.
My world was slowing down. I scheduled my flight home as soon as I could with the most affordable flight I could get. I had about 3 and a half days to wait. But it wasn't soon enough. My world came to an eventual halt, as Grammy passed away. I boarded my flight home to Michigan. And here I am.
This has been the hardest year I've ever lived.
It has been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. New friendships and losing old ones.
But I wouldn't change the struggle. Sure, the individual events probably could've gone smoother or been different. And what I wouldn't give to hug my Grammy one more time.
But the year of 2018, is now behind me.
As the clock strikes midnight here in Michigan, I wish you all a happy and HOPEFUL new year.
Let us leave the past where it belongs, and move forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this peace of my heart, my life...my 2018.
Be Blessed.
~Abby Lynn
I'm not gonna lie and say this is an easy blog post for me to write. In all honesty, this is taking quite a bit of courage for me to muster up one last 2018 blog post as minutes tick away here in Michigan to ring in the new year of 2019.
If I'm being completely honest with you, as I always am, 2018 has been very brutally, the hardest year I've ever lived. I have been fortunate enough to have lived 23 years of life and counting here on this earth, but this last year, has been the most painful one I can recall living. But that doesn't mean it was the worst.
In 2018, I went through Hell and back.
At the beginning of the year I was in, what i thought to be, a happy relationship. I was making plans to move back to Arizona and I was excited for life. I had high hopes of getting better in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health.
Then April happened.
That relationship I was so happy in came to a tragic end. My heart was shattered. As I tried to pick up the pieces and prepare for my move to Arizona in May, I was briefly hopeful.
Then Uncle Earle passed away.
Right as I was preparing for a big life change to move and live on my own in Arizona, my mom's uncle Earle (whom I also just call my uncle) in Tennessee passed away. That was hard on the family and myself personally as I wished I could have known him better but was thankful for the times I did have with him.
And so then came the time to get on my flight, and I was ready to move to Arizona. While in Arizona over the summer, I made new friends who helped love and support me while I was there. They helped me to learn a lot of lessons about appreciating those who CHOOSE TO STAY in your life, and try and one on from those CHOOSE TO GO.
Then loneliness kicked in.
PERSONAL NOTE HERE: I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and though I don't make it a secret that I have struggled with mental health issues, I haven't been open about the hardest times like what I experienced at the very beginning of July of 2018. After six years of being clean from any form of self-harm, I relapsed. And after that happened, I felt shame. I felt hurt. I realized that I needed help. I broke my one rule. And I'm so sorry to all of those who have been in the struggle with me this year, and have watched me fall again. But to those who stayed, I am eternally grateful for your presence, and your constant love and support. After my relapse I called a friend in Arizona to take me to the hospital. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done-- confronting the issue head on and getting proper help-- but it was the best decision I could have made for myself.
I was in an in-patient care facility for four days, including over the fourth of July. And as scary as my experience was at first, I am so grateful for the medical staff that helped me to be strong enough to be released from the hospital. And so there I was, back on my feet, ready to handle life again-- hopeful, that I could do better with a fresh start.
Then Grammy went to the hospital.
I was in Arizona, planning to come back to Michigan in August to get my car and the rest of my things, and go back to Arizona, but I had an early departure to Michigan when I got the call that said that my mom's mom (my Grammy) was in the hospital and her organs were failing. And so I took my leave, still hoping to come back to AZ, only to not have the funds to afford that much awaited return. But I found it was better that way, because family members from out of state were going to come in to celebrate uncle Earle's life and scatter his ashes in lake Michigan. But before that...
Great Grandma passed away.
I had recalled hearing that my dad's grandma, my great-grandma, wasn't doing very well. I called my grandma and she told me that they weren't sure she'd make it through the night. So dad and I went to go see her one last time, just in case. I held her hand in that retirement home room, thinking she didn't look very comfortable even though they said she was. I was so hoping she'd wake up, even for a minute, to give me some sassy remark that only great grandma would say. But I never did. It got late and we had to go back to Grand Rapids. And so I hugged her, knowing she was tired, and hoping she could hear me. I whispered to her and told her that I loved her so much, that mom and sisters loved her too, and that I understood that she was tired and wanted to go home. And the next morning, she passed.
With that ending my August, I was trying to be optimistic and go into the next semester at school. Sadly, that was short lived because my depression and anxiety had been building up through these last few months of events, and I could hardly handle being in any classes. And so I dropped my classes and decided to take care of myself. I had a flight scheduled to go to Arizona to get the rest of the stuff I had left in the house I lived in while I was in Tempe over the summer. And on my way back from that trip, I had a friend in AZ request that I watch her dogs for her over thanksgiving and early December and she said she would pay me and also offered to let me stay with her over the winter. I took that opportunity to head back to Arizona, and I was loving the sunshine. I made new wonderful nerd friends, and saw some friends I made from school at GCU, and others from Church. I spent time working on myself, and even though it was difficult, I was hopeful.
And then Grammy got sick again.
My world was slowing down. I scheduled my flight home as soon as I could with the most affordable flight I could get. I had about 3 and a half days to wait. But it wasn't soon enough. My world came to an eventual halt, as Grammy passed away. I boarded my flight home to Michigan. And here I am.
This has been the hardest year I've ever lived.
It has been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. New friendships and losing old ones.
But I wouldn't change the struggle. Sure, the individual events probably could've gone smoother or been different. And what I wouldn't give to hug my Grammy one more time.
But the year of 2018, is now behind me.
As the clock strikes midnight here in Michigan, I wish you all a happy and HOPEFUL new year.
Let us leave the past where it belongs, and move forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this peace of my heart, my life...my 2018.
Be Blessed.
~Abby Lynn
Monday, November 5, 2018
Yesterday-- AbbyLynn Writes
Hello my friends,
This post is gonna be a poem/monologue I wrote about my take on a piece of a song I love by a band called The Night Game. The song is called "Die A Little" and the line goes like this "What killed me yesterday, baby is still a part of me. I had to die a little to learn to survive a little." And so here we have my expanse on the concept of never being again who we were yesterday, even though it's something often looked for and caught after...
"Yesterday"
by: AbbyLynn Writes
Isn't it quite strange, Or rather quite curious,
That we will never be again Who we were yesterday?
Or perhaps your "yesterday" Is not being the same
As you were before Your parents divorce.
Maybe your yesterday is being changed
After a relationship of abuse.
Or what if yesterday means becoming different
After losing a loved one you held close to your heart.
However, your yesterday might be
Nothing like these at all.
Because your yesterday could be never returning
To the way you felt before you got clean from drugs or alcohol.
Your yesterday might be walking away from a toxic environment
Or relationship in attempt to better yourself.
Quite possibly your yesterday could be as simple as
One small decision that is followed by a ripple of changes
That take you further and further away
From your yesterday.
A choice like picking up the help line,
And putting down the razor.
Or maybe a choice of listening to your mother
When she said "don't go to that party".
Or even still, it could be as easy as
Throwing out the old beaten and battered converse,
And throwing on a pair of bright and colorful new ones.
No matter the good or the bad stories
That your yesterday has held,
I urge you to choose to hold on to the hope
That comes with this curious truth;
That we will never again be who we were
During the ever so heavy days of yesterday.
There are days that hold things are worse than
Our yesterdays have held previously.
Those are the days when I long for "before".
I wish to be who I was
Before he came into my life.
I wasn't to live the way I did
Before I got bullied into depression.
I'd give anything to be as happy as I was
Before the world ruined me...
And yes though it's true That pieces of my heart
Have broken into smaller shards Of what is once was,
Leaving it entirely unrecognizable,
Perhaps, that's the point...
These pieces of my heart have broken into shapes
That complete a whole new puzzle.
No, I may never be as happy as I was,
Or feel the same love I had,
Or be as bold as "before".
But just because it's a different looking puzzle of a heart
Does not mean that it will cease to portray a beautiful image.
Every story will take unexpected twists and turns,
Leading us further from our yesterday,
But be strong my friend,
Because we can't write a new story
if we keep reading the same page
Over and over again.
We will always have our "befores" and our "yesterdays"
But we will let them die when they need to,
Because how can we bloom In a garden of ash and concrete,
When we need the soil to be rich and full of nutrients
If we ever plan to grow.
So let me say this:
Do not strive to achieve that same
As your before or your yesterday.
Do better.
Because even if it is the dead of winter,
The sun will have to come out eventually.
And when it does, spring will arrive
And spring will likely go as seasons do,
But just hold close to the knowledge
That though today is different than your yesterday,
That does not mean that it will stay worse than it.
Be strong, my friend,
Because "before" has "after",
And "yesterday" has "today",
And new hope can always bloom when well nourished.
So you never know who you'll be after today.
You will never know who you'll be tomorrow.
~AbbyLynn
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Fickle Friendships-- AbbyLynn Writes
Hello new friends, old friends, awkward "idk if we really even are friends" friends, and the like... This is a poem that I've felt compelled to write for a friend of mine who, though we have had our own sky-high ups and valley-low downs, has sadly found themselves in a state of realization that their past friendships have been fickle ones (hence the title). I've been there and I know others have been too. This is for anyone who shares the same feelings we have experienced. If you've ever felt like you were always the second choice. If you've never felt like you qualified as someone's "best friend". If you always wondered why those who said they'd be there for you simply...weren't. This is for you...
"Fickle Friendships"
By: AbbyLynn Writes
Lift up your head dear,
yes, you, laying down.
Now tell me why is it
That you wear such a frown?
I hear you cry when you think
No one's around,
I know You're never in town
but why would you wanna be?
Cause here lie the shattered dreams
And worn out memories.
Here lie former words
Of people that you once knew,
People who promised that
They would always love you,
they'd swear it's true
And might even claim
That they still do.
But I know you don't believe that,
I can see it in your face,
And the hurried way
That you try to erase
your true emotions.
You don't wanna cause a big commotion
"I'm fine" you say to them,
You just need a little rest, right?
Get some more sleep to fix
the fact you know it's not quite
what you wanted.
No, This was never what you wanted,
to watch people always leaving,
while you're left believing
they really cared.
This was never what you wanted
To see people always go
and then say "yeah, i know,
but they were already out the door anyway..."
This was NEVER what you wanted,
To be laying here alone,
with just just a dimmed light from your phone
with no messages.
There are no texts that say "I miss you!"
or "How are you, by the way?"
Because those you want to hear that from
Didn't bother to stay.
That's the sad truth of a friendship
such as this,
Where it's far too fickle
To be more than sent adrift.
But you thought it was a gift
to have friendship in your life,
And it is my dear,
You're absolutely right.
But a friendship so fickle
might as well be artificial,
because there's nothing really left
To pick up when they are gone.
But know that it's true,
When a friend loves you for you,
Not much is left "impossible"
though things might still be wrong.
Because there's nothing quite as strong
as a friendship like that.
That is a friendship worth chasing after,
Where you both keep running
when there's nothing left to capture
But never ending moments
From hurt into laughter.
A friend that you fight for
Is someone just like you,
Because they're out there looking
For another them, too!
Someone who doesn't leave
When the going get's tough,
And you can know that, to them,
You will always be enough,
They'll give you so much love
And they won't take it back!
They want you to keep it,
Or share it at that.
That's the kind of friendship
That I wish upon your life.
Someone who enters
In the midsts of your strife
But they love you for your heart
And everything you are,
No matter near or far,
They're always there behind you.
Who else is gonna show you
all the darkness you can shine through?
So, dear, lift up your face,
Or rather-- friend-- if I may.
And let me wipe away that tear
From your cheek so I can say
That I am no fickle friend,
and I hope that goes for two,
So next time you think
"Where are my friends?"
Just look right next to you.
~AbbyLynn
"Fickle Friendships"
By: AbbyLynn Writes
Lift up your head dear,
yes, you, laying down.
Now tell me why is it
That you wear such a frown?
I hear you cry when you think
No one's around,
I know You're never in town
but why would you wanna be?
Cause here lie the shattered dreams
And worn out memories.
Here lie former words
Of people that you once knew,
People who promised that
They would always love you,
they'd swear it's true
And might even claim
That they still do.
But I know you don't believe that,
I can see it in your face,
And the hurried way
That you try to erase
your true emotions.
You don't wanna cause a big commotion
"I'm fine" you say to them,
You just need a little rest, right?
Get some more sleep to fix
the fact you know it's not quite
what you wanted.
No, This was never what you wanted,
to watch people always leaving,
while you're left believing
they really cared.
This was never what you wanted
To see people always go
and then say "yeah, i know,
but they were already out the door anyway..."
This was NEVER what you wanted,
To be laying here alone,
with just just a dimmed light from your phone
with no messages.
There are no texts that say "I miss you!"
or "How are you, by the way?"
Because those you want to hear that from
Didn't bother to stay.
That's the sad truth of a friendship
such as this,
Where it's far too fickle
To be more than sent adrift.
But you thought it was a gift
to have friendship in your life,
And it is my dear,
You're absolutely right.
But a friendship so fickle
might as well be artificial,
because there's nothing really left
To pick up when they are gone.
But know that it's true,
When a friend loves you for you,
Not much is left "impossible"
though things might still be wrong.
Because there's nothing quite as strong
as a friendship like that.
That is a friendship worth chasing after,
Where you both keep running
when there's nothing left to capture
But never ending moments
From hurt into laughter.
A friend that you fight for
Is someone just like you,
Because they're out there looking
For another them, too!
Someone who doesn't leave
When the going get's tough,
And you can know that, to them,
You will always be enough,
They'll give you so much love
And they won't take it back!
They want you to keep it,
Or share it at that.
That's the kind of friendship
That I wish upon your life.
Someone who enters
In the midsts of your strife
But they love you for your heart
And everything you are,
No matter near or far,
They're always there behind you.
Who else is gonna show you
all the darkness you can shine through?
So, dear, lift up your face,
Or rather-- friend-- if I may.
And let me wipe away that tear
From your cheek so I can say
That I am no fickle friend,
and I hope that goes for two,
So next time you think
"Where are my friends?"
Just look right next to you.
~AbbyLynn
Friday, September 28, 2018
Lessons From A Best Friend-- AbbyLynn Writes
Hello, cupcakes.
It's AbbyLynn, your friendly neighborhood blogger here! This is a special poem/appreciation post for someone very special to me. One of my best and longest friends, Mandy, moved to South Korea the other day for an internship she is pursuing, and though I am very happy for her and her successes and opportunities, I can't lie and say that it has been easy to watch her go. She's been my best friend since I was 5. That's like 18 years, my friends. Our friendship can VOTE. And that to me is CRAZY stuff. SO anyway, I wrote this poem that I shared with her before she left, and I'd like to share it with you all as well, in appreciation and love for her. I hope you like it! This is my poem: Lessons From A Best Friend...
"Lessons From A Best Friend"
By: AbbyLynn Writes
You're so much more than wanted;
An adventure I never planned,
The kind that's full of new surprises
And is always something grand.
But you're the rarest of adventures
Because you taught me something new;
Lessons I could not have learned
If I had not met you.
You taught me to find calm
In the middle of a storm,
And all the while, you gave me hope
When I was feeling worn.
In these storms, I found a strength
While I was beaten down,
And even in my hurricanes,
You always stuck around.
You taught me that I wasn't made
To do this life alone,
And you helped to heal the heart
Of a girl who's "accident-prone".
You knew my heart was fragile--
Needing soft and tender care.
So when I though I was alone,
Well, you were always there.
You helped me to appreciate
A life of light and love,
My dear sweet friend, you are an answer
To the prayers I sent above.
Because when I was lonely,
God knew that I'd need you.
He gave me more than just a friend,
But another sister too!
So let me state it clearly,
That I love you very much,
And even as we part our ways,
We'll surely keep in touch.
I need for you to know
Just how much I care for you,
And know I love you even more
After all that we've been through.
It's true you mean the world to me;
You're one of my biggest blessings
Always there for my support
In the midst of chaos and stressing.
Without you here my world will be
A little bit less bright,
Because you met me in my darkness
To help turn on the light.
You're so much more than wanted:
The adventure I love the most,
And tho I need to let you go,
I'll always hold you close.
The love you've given me is held
Strongly in my heart,
So know that I am proud of you,
And we're never far apart.
Yes, you're so much more than wanted,
And more than my best friend.
You're the sister I didn't know I needed
That's why I'll love you till the end.
~AbbyLynn
It's AbbyLynn, your friendly neighborhood blogger here! This is a special poem/appreciation post for someone very special to me. One of my best and longest friends, Mandy, moved to South Korea the other day for an internship she is pursuing, and though I am very happy for her and her successes and opportunities, I can't lie and say that it has been easy to watch her go. She's been my best friend since I was 5. That's like 18 years, my friends. Our friendship can VOTE. And that to me is CRAZY stuff. SO anyway, I wrote this poem that I shared with her before she left, and I'd like to share it with you all as well, in appreciation and love for her. I hope you like it! This is my poem: Lessons From A Best Friend...
"Lessons From A Best Friend"
By: AbbyLynn Writes
You're so much more than wanted;
An adventure I never planned,
The kind that's full of new surprises
And is always something grand.
But you're the rarest of adventures
Because you taught me something new;
Lessons I could not have learned
If I had not met you.
You taught me to find calm
In the middle of a storm,
And all the while, you gave me hope
When I was feeling worn.
In these storms, I found a strength
While I was beaten down,
And even in my hurricanes,
You always stuck around.
You taught me that I wasn't made
To do this life alone,
And you helped to heal the heart
Of a girl who's "accident-prone".
You knew my heart was fragile--
Needing soft and tender care.
So when I though I was alone,
Well, you were always there.
You helped me to appreciate
A life of light and love,
My dear sweet friend, you are an answer
To the prayers I sent above.
Because when I was lonely,
God knew that I'd need you.
He gave me more than just a friend,
But another sister too!
So let me state it clearly,
That I love you very much,
And even as we part our ways,
We'll surely keep in touch.
I need for you to know
Just how much I care for you,
And know I love you even more
After all that we've been through.
It's true you mean the world to me;
You're one of my biggest blessings
Always there for my support
In the midst of chaos and stressing.
Without you here my world will be
A little bit less bright,
Because you met me in my darkness
To help turn on the light.
You're so much more than wanted:
The adventure I love the most,
And tho I need to let you go,
I'll always hold you close.
The love you've given me is held
Strongly in my heart,
So know that I am proud of you,
And we're never far apart.
Yes, you're so much more than wanted,
And more than my best friend.
You're the sister I didn't know I needed
That's why I'll love you till the end.
~AbbyLynn
Monday, September 17, 2018
Help Me-- When God Is Quiet
"Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Am I wrong for asking why?
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Somebody help me.
Even though I'm nowhere,
Even though I'm so scared,
You're reaching out.
Gonna hold me till I'm alright,
Make it right in my mind,
Won't let me down.
I'm trusting in your plan,
When I don't have the answers.
Even when I'm nowhere,
even though I'm so scared,
You help me."
Hello my loves.
Today I've done a lot of thinking and I'd like to share my conclusive thoughts with you, if I may.
First, how about I tell you what I was thinking about...
I have had, honestly, the hardest five months of my life. And though I can be over dramatic at time, this is in all seriousness. I've lost some once very important people in my life who walked out of it, and lost some people who still matter very much who have passed away. It's been the loneliest season I can recall living and, this being in all honesty from my heart, I have never felt so much heartache and pain that I can think of. That said, I want to explain the lyrics I opened with and share a quotes from church yesterday that hit my heart...
These lyrics are from the song "Help Me", a song written by my new friends who are in the band Alive City. This song is what I opened this with because it's literally my heart cry at this point in my life. In the first verse of the song, it has the questions of "why am I going nowhere", "why am I feeling so scared", and "where are my answers". The song then proceeds to ask if these feelings are wrong and cries out for help. That's essentially what I've been feeling for the past five months.
My life has had so many falling outs these past five months and so much has happened that has left me incredibly broken-hearted and hurt inside. I've learned a lot through this journey in the midst of my pain, however. And that's why I'm writing this to you, because I want to share the lessons I've learned in hopes that if you reading this are also in a season similar to mine, you may find hope in knowing that you aren't as alone as you think. Oh and by the way, your questions wondering if how you're feeling is wrong? It's not wrong. It's totally normal because I've been there-- or rather, I AM there right now.
"God is still God in your Babylon."
~Pastor Jeremy Schossau
This one needs a bit of back story for those of you who aren't as knowledgable about biblical history...
Well you first you need to realize and acknowledge this: That God, all throughout history, has a habit of interrupting man's plans, and that is the best thing that could ever happen to us, even if we don't know it yet.
Now Pastor Jeremy shared a sermon on Jeremiah 29, and the context is that basically up until rather recently, Israel was doing really well in terms of overcoming their enemies and winning their battles. Note that overcoming enemies and winning battles back in this time was seen as not just having good skill, but having good gods, and Israel was doing so well that others thought they must have a great one. Anyway, so in about 930 B.C., the kingdom of Israel divides into the northern and southern kingdoms, and in about 200 years(~722 B.C.) the Assyrians conquer the Northern kingdom. Then in 586 B.C., the southern kingdom falls to the Babylonians (though the first wave of exiles came in 605 B.C... REMEMBER THIS, it has context importance later!). Here's where we start to come to the climax of this point... While in exile and captive in Babylon, Jeremiah, who was a prophet who literally told Israel that bad things would happen if they didn't get their act together and return to their faith in the God of heaven, sent them a letter. Now, you'd think this would be one big "I told you so!" kind of letter. But instead, it was a letter of encouragement. Like MAJOR encouragement. It essentially said that they would be in Babylon for 70 years, or a lifetime, basically meaning that this current generation would never leave Babylon. BUT GOD (because there's always a gotta be a good BUT GOD moment) will bring the nation of Israel out and do all that He has promised. In comes one of the most popular verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11...
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"~Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
Here's God just doing what He does, and that is coming in at HIS time and by HIS methods to save HIS people. But wait just a second, why didn't God just let them keep having triumphant victories? Why couldn't He just keep being present for His people? First, the people of Israel were rebelling against God and conforming to the ways of other nations, and this displeased Him of course. And second is a trick question, because from this whole story we have seen that God is always present and at work EVEN IN BABYLON. And so comes the quote from Pastor Jeremy: "God is still God in your Babylon". Because even when God is quiet, God is still good and God is still working. And this leads me to my final quote from yesterday that impacted my heart...
"A teacher is always silent during a test."
~Evan Neal
By now, I hope you've realized that God is present in your trials, even if you don't realize it, but why can't you hear His still voice? Why can't He be more obvious? I can assure you, it's not a form of punishment, and it's not to make you feel alone. But just think about it like school. You're constantly given tests on what you learn. What's the point of a test? To take what you learn and to apply it for better results in the end. What's the point of God's tests? To take what we learn and to apply it for BETTER results in the end. But here's the kicker. Ever notice how a teacher talks and teachers and goes on and on and on about what they want you to learn, but then they're quiet when you're taking your test? That's because they want you to apply your lessons learned just like God wants you to become better on the other side of your struggles. So next time you feel like God has abandoned you, a teacher is always silent during a test.
Well there you have it, my loves. That's what I took away from yesterday's defining moments and the past week in reflection on my current season I've experienced these last five months. I am hopeful and trusting in the LORD to bring me out of my Babylon, and to be present while I'm still in it. I hope you will trust Him too. And remember that even in His silence, take your trials to REFINE you and not DEFINE you. Be blessed, sweet friends.
~AbbyLynn
Am I wrong for asking why?
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Somebody help me.
Even though I'm nowhere,
Even though I'm so scared,
You're reaching out.
Gonna hold me till I'm alright,
Make it right in my mind,
Won't let me down.
I'm trusting in your plan,
When I don't have the answers.
Even when I'm nowhere,
even though I'm so scared,
You help me."
Hello my loves.
Today I've done a lot of thinking and I'd like to share my conclusive thoughts with you, if I may.
First, how about I tell you what I was thinking about...
I have had, honestly, the hardest five months of my life. And though I can be over dramatic at time, this is in all seriousness. I've lost some once very important people in my life who walked out of it, and lost some people who still matter very much who have passed away. It's been the loneliest season I can recall living and, this being in all honesty from my heart, I have never felt so much heartache and pain that I can think of. That said, I want to explain the lyrics I opened with and share a quotes from church yesterday that hit my heart...
These lyrics are from the song "Help Me", a song written by my new friends who are in the band Alive City. This song is what I opened this with because it's literally my heart cry at this point in my life. In the first verse of the song, it has the questions of "why am I going nowhere", "why am I feeling so scared", and "where are my answers". The song then proceeds to ask if these feelings are wrong and cries out for help. That's essentially what I've been feeling for the past five months.
My life has had so many falling outs these past five months and so much has happened that has left me incredibly broken-hearted and hurt inside. I've learned a lot through this journey in the midst of my pain, however. And that's why I'm writing this to you, because I want to share the lessons I've learned in hopes that if you reading this are also in a season similar to mine, you may find hope in knowing that you aren't as alone as you think. Oh and by the way, your questions wondering if how you're feeling is wrong? It's not wrong. It's totally normal because I've been there-- or rather, I AM there right now.
"God is still God in your Babylon."
~Pastor Jeremy Schossau
This one needs a bit of back story for those of you who aren't as knowledgable about biblical history...
Well you first you need to realize and acknowledge this: That God, all throughout history, has a habit of interrupting man's plans, and that is the best thing that could ever happen to us, even if we don't know it yet.
Now Pastor Jeremy shared a sermon on Jeremiah 29, and the context is that basically up until rather recently, Israel was doing really well in terms of overcoming their enemies and winning their battles. Note that overcoming enemies and winning battles back in this time was seen as not just having good skill, but having good gods, and Israel was doing so well that others thought they must have a great one. Anyway, so in about 930 B.C., the kingdom of Israel divides into the northern and southern kingdoms, and in about 200 years(~722 B.C.) the Assyrians conquer the Northern kingdom. Then in 586 B.C., the southern kingdom falls to the Babylonians (though the first wave of exiles came in 605 B.C... REMEMBER THIS, it has context importance later!). Here's where we start to come to the climax of this point... While in exile and captive in Babylon, Jeremiah, who was a prophet who literally told Israel that bad things would happen if they didn't get their act together and return to their faith in the God of heaven, sent them a letter. Now, you'd think this would be one big "I told you so!" kind of letter. But instead, it was a letter of encouragement. Like MAJOR encouragement. It essentially said that they would be in Babylon for 70 years, or a lifetime, basically meaning that this current generation would never leave Babylon. BUT GOD (because there's always a gotta be a good BUT GOD moment) will bring the nation of Israel out and do all that He has promised. In comes one of the most popular verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11...
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"~Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
Here's God just doing what He does, and that is coming in at HIS time and by HIS methods to save HIS people. But wait just a second, why didn't God just let them keep having triumphant victories? Why couldn't He just keep being present for His people? First, the people of Israel were rebelling against God and conforming to the ways of other nations, and this displeased Him of course. And second is a trick question, because from this whole story we have seen that God is always present and at work EVEN IN BABYLON. And so comes the quote from Pastor Jeremy: "God is still God in your Babylon". Because even when God is quiet, God is still good and God is still working. And this leads me to my final quote from yesterday that impacted my heart...
"A teacher is always silent during a test."
~Evan Neal
By now, I hope you've realized that God is present in your trials, even if you don't realize it, but why can't you hear His still voice? Why can't He be more obvious? I can assure you, it's not a form of punishment, and it's not to make you feel alone. But just think about it like school. You're constantly given tests on what you learn. What's the point of a test? To take what you learn and to apply it for better results in the end. What's the point of God's tests? To take what we learn and to apply it for BETTER results in the end. But here's the kicker. Ever notice how a teacher talks and teachers and goes on and on and on about what they want you to learn, but then they're quiet when you're taking your test? That's because they want you to apply your lessons learned just like God wants you to become better on the other side of your struggles. So next time you feel like God has abandoned you, a teacher is always silent during a test.
Well there you have it, my loves. That's what I took away from yesterday's defining moments and the past week in reflection on my current season I've experienced these last five months. I am hopeful and trusting in the LORD to bring me out of my Babylon, and to be present while I'm still in it. I hope you will trust Him too. And remember that even in His silence, take your trials to REFINE you and not DEFINE you. Be blessed, sweet friends.
~AbbyLynn
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