For Grammy// AbbyLynn Writes

Hi friends. This is a special post about one of the strongest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I was fortunate enough to call her my Grammy. It's been a hard year without her. Grammy was a woman like no other. And as I sit here in this Starbucks to write this in her honor and memory, I have to hold back my tears. I'll love you forever Grammy. It's been a hard year without you and not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I just hope I can make you proud.

~For Grammy~
I'll remember you laughing
For the rest of my days,
And how you made me smile
In so many ways.
I'll remember that sound
Of your smile that burst,
When we all needed laughter,
I'd look to you first.

I'll remember you loving
As you gave me hugs freely,
And I'm sorry I never hugged you
Quite as tight as you hugged me.
You gave your love often
To all those around you.
In the darkest of days,
Your love would shine through.

I'll remember you strong
As you fought till the end,
And with strong came a gentle heart
Of a grammy and friend.
You're quite possibly the strongest
Of the women I've known,
As you loved us all fully
In the many ways you've shown.

As I sit here and ponder
What on earth I should do,
I realize I'll spend my whole life
Missing you.

But I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong,
And hold you close to my heart
When things start to go wrong.

And when my heart's broken
Singing an "I miss you" song,
I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong.

~AbbyLynn

Only You// Longing For Fulfillment

Hi, friends. Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my heart recently. Lately I've noticed that I have a big need to be around other people more so than usual because I've had this growing sense of loneliness. While pondering what could be causing this increasing loneliness, I discovered a note on my phone. I wrote it sometime last year in the summer of 2018 and I can't quite remember exactly what spurred on this idea, but it was about a similar sense of loneliness to what I've been feeling recently.

"I need to know how to be alone without being lonely.
I need to know how to live with you as my One and only."

I was thinking on this concept and it reminded me of a song by one of my favorite bands, Hawk Nelson. The song is called "Only You", and it's a beautiful description of the fact that we can search this whole world throughout our lives, but only Jesus is going to be able to satisfy our souls the way we need. 
I absolutely love the whole song, so picking my "favorite part" is literally impossible because each part has a different meaning and touches my heart a certain way. But here's what stood out to me the most I guess:

"I could search down here for the rest of my life
And this one thing is all that I'd find:
That only You can fill my heart the way You do
Only You can take what's worn and make it new
So I'll take all these broken dreams and petty things
Replace them with something that's true
I'll take 'em replace them with You."

After soaking in these lyrics and rediscovering my own written words, I feel like I've found the source of my recent loneliness. I've noticed that I'm constantly in search of something to fill me up, keep me company, or be present at all times, all the while forgetting that Jesus should be what fills me. Jesus will keep me company when I need it. Jesus is present at all times. I've been so busy searching for human satisfaction and fulfillment that I've missed the fact that the most satisfying fulfillment, company, and presence has always been there just trying to be with me from the start. 

I have a mission, my friends. I want to take the time to run to Jesus daily. I have this ever present loneliness that has been recently growing and I'm aware that, after a lot of wondering and tough realizations, only He can fill my heart. Not one single person on this earth can ever "fix" me or fill the emptiness that lies deep in my heart. That's why I'm so grateful to have a Savior who longs to fill what I'm missing in my life. I spend so much time looking for company from others at all times, but I have Jesus readily available at all times. I strive to know Him more, and I rest in the fact that He just wants to spend time with me. 
I'll leave you with one more lovely quote I found that sums up what I've learned about seeking fulfillment and satisfaction through anything but Jesus.

"It's all about where you run to fill yourself up when you're empty."

Fill your cup with the right things, friends. Be blessed.

~AbbyLynn

Positive Baby Steps// A Healing Process

Hello my dears.
It's been a hella long week. And it's only Tuesday.
Today I wanna talk about what I've been going through lately. I want to address my healing process of taking positive baby steps. 
Currently I'm sitting in the Biggby down the street from my house as I wait for a friend to come keep me company for a bit on her way home from work. I'm listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers on repeat as I write because it's inspired me to talk about my healing process and my attempts to fight and "hold on" lately.
As some of you may know from following my Instagram, Facebook, or this blog, I deal with Anxiety, PTSD, a paranoid thought disorder, and Bipolar Depression, and each of those illnesses have been causing me to be feeling hopeless and lost, especially recently. Also, each of those mental illnesses are often misunderstood. My anxiety is more than just being a serious worrier. It's my body's response to a feeling of being unsafe, particularly in public places and when under certain stressors. My PTSD is more than bad memories. It's a bundle of triggers and nightmares that never cease because I've been haunted from a past of poor relationships. My paranoid thought disorder is more than thinking everyone is watching me or out to get me. It's this horrible feeling of intense fear that anyone and/or everyone in my life could and will leave me, especially if I open up about my feelings. And my bipolar depression is so much more than me just having major mood swings. It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, that come and go as they please and often show as reflex responses to stressors that could cause frustration, sadness, or sometimes even happiness to get me feeling on top of the world. But eventually that on top of the world feeling will crash back into a few days to a week or two of horrible depression.
These are my demons, my struggles, and my battles. They've caused me to have a severe lack of appetite recently, as well as many occasions where I tend to either isolate myself, or the opposite feeling where I CRAVE to be around someone who will care and listen to what I have to say without judgement. This explanation of my daily struggles has been a long way to say that healing isn't easy,  and it's a long process.
My good friend Kira has given me a form of daily "homework", of course she would seeing as she's a teacher, but I honestly do appreciate it. Each night I have to record and send her two things I love about myself and one thing I'm thankful to God for. And so I've been doing it. Begrudgingly and difficultly. Even when I'm not feeling it. But I suppose that's the point. 
I've also come to appreciate the honest talks I've been able to have with my sweet friend Maddy and her brother Lucas, both of them allowing me to open up about where I'm hurt, and being solid soundboards who listen and give encouragement and understanding. I am forever thankful for them. 
There are small baby steps to my healing. Writing things down in my "homework" journal from Kira. Learning to listen to Lucas when he tells me to stop putting myself down. Following Maddy's advice to keep fighting even when I don't feel I have the strength. I'm not sure where I'd be without them and more people who have recently allowed me to open up to them about my struggles.
So as I sit here in this Biggby, still listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background 30 minutes later, I'm here to tell you this. Fighting is worth it. Holding on is worth it. Living and loving and pursuing a future is worth it. In the midst of my chaos, there are sweet friends and family members who care for me, whether I realize it fully or not. I am thankful for my blessings and I will continue to take my positive baby steps to healing from recent events that broke me, and old events that have lingered around for too long. 
I want to leave you with this message. Yes, it is in fact from the Jonas Brothers song I've been playing this whole time.

"When it falls apart
And your feeling lost,
All your hope is gone,
Don't forget to hold on."

~AbbyLynn

"What I Didn't Ask For"-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello, loves.
This post is long overdue. It's a post about the relationship that is at the center of my diagnosed PTSD. So often, people with a past of any form of abuse have been told that they "asked for it", or that "it's all in their head". But this is a slam to those comments, and I have been so afraid of what people might think about it, that I haven't shared it. I've become more bold and decided it's time to share. To anyone who has been through abuse of any kind or something similar, this is FOR you. And to those who think we brought this trauma upon ourselves, this is TO you. This is "What I Didn't Ask For".

"What I Didn't Ask For"// An AbbyLynn Writes Poem
I didn't ask for this...
The horrible trauma,
The haunting flashbacks, 
Or the ever-present loneliness 
That is ironically the only company for me
After our toxic encounter.
I didn't ask for this...
The broken heart,
The relapse into depression,
Or the constant nightmares 
That I'm still dealing with,
Even after years of being away from you.
Believe me, because 
I did not ask for this...
The false rumors spread,
The arguments that stood against me,
And the relentless force 
Of those around me who tried to say
That I was lying, 
And the whole situation was 
"All in my head".
I didn't ask for any of this.

You know what I did ask for?
All I asked for was for you to respect my boundaries.
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to try and understand
Why I was saying "no".
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to stop pressuring me.
But. You. Didn't.

You said you had "needs',
Okay but I had boundaries.
You reasoned it was fine because you loved me,
I mean, yeah, but don't forget I loved you too,
I just showed it differently.
You claimed I didn't love you because I said "no",
But honestly, I could claim you didn't love me,
Because though I said no,
You kept pressuring me anyway.

Maybe you did love me,
But then why didn't you respect me?
Maybe you did love me,
But then how come you never accepted my wishes?
Maybe in some weird and twisted way,
You did love me,
But I still always felt like
I was replaceable to you.

And in the end I've been replaced.
You didn't need me, you see?
Was it really worth the mess you made
Of my mind and emotions
Just to say you loved me by how you touched my body??

Because looking back, 
I'd say you felt lust, not love.
You found love with a new woman, I see.
And I'm still piecing myself back together
After all the ways you shattered me.
But don't worry about me,
I know you wouldn't anyway.
I'll be fine somehow,
As I fumble clumsily with new experiences,
Trying to know what love really is.
But I know what love isn't,
And I suppose that's a good place to start.

Love is nothing like the pressure I was under.
Love is nothing like the manipulation I endure.
No, plain and simply, love is nothing like you.
Because I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
A drunken black eye.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Reasons to feel guilty.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Hell.
You gave me Hell.
And I did NOT ask for that.

~AbbyLynn

Hi I'm Abby--The Truth About Mental Illness

Hey friends.
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.

"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."

This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...

Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.

Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:

"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen

~AbbyLynn