Thankful-- From This Happy, Happy Girl

 

Hello, friends and followers. I know it has been a while... like... 2 years. After everything that has happened globally, locally, and personally for myself the past two years, I have been at a loss of what to say. But I'm not here to talk about the past two years. I am here to talk about thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation for this beautiful thing I was able to acknowledge this weekend called "chosen family". You know, the family that might not be related by blood, but they love you fiercely all the same...

"Have you ever had someone come into your life and felt so at home at first meeting or conversation, where you thought to yourself: 'I hope you never leave'? because I think I have found that thing. I think I have found those people who feel like home, and God knows I hope they never leave." ~AbbyLynn Writes 

Here are some of my chosen family members...my people who feel more like home than my house...the people I hope never leave...

Lisa-Marie: My sweet new friend from Germany. We have only known each other for about 5 months, but I love you like a sister already. I have no idea what I would do without you. It is so strange to me to think about life before Lisa-Marie and I have a very specific and wonderful man to thank for our bond and special friendship we share. So side note: Thank you David Haydn-Jones for unknowingly connecting me to a friend with common interests who may live in Germany, but she's never felt closer to my heart. I am forever thankful for you and the encouragement, love, and support that you give me personally on my journey through life, but I'm even more thankful for the friend I have now because we happen to be in the same crazy facebook group that loves to support our favorite guy(That's you, ya big goof!)... back to Lisa-Marie! I adore your energy and personality, and I am beyond thankful for your support through all my recent ups and downs. I trust you and feel I can confide in you about most anything. I love you so much, my dear sweet friend. *Du bist meine freundin* And I don't know where I'd be now if that wasn't the case.

Arielle: Awieeeeelleee! You are such an amazing and fun art buddy I have semi-recently come to know. You say the silliest things and we have so much fun together. You mean the world to me and I am so happy to call you my friend. I love the fact that I can rant to you about anything, and I know you don't judge me in my chaos. You are one of the most talented and amazing artists I know personally and I adore you with my whole heart. Thank you for being such a great friend and supporter who never lets me down. I don't know what I'd do without your wonderful sense of humor and kindness in my life. Love you always!!

Dani: What a strange thing to think that I wouldn't have reached out to connect with you in our online english class if it wasn't for that random day you, me, and Jackson met for coffee at the Bitter End. That has now basically become unofficially "our place". That and the adventures we have had at open mic night where you come and support my poetry and songs like a number one fan. I am so glad we had the chance to connect after our first time meeting because you've seen me in my low points and you love me just the same! Thank you for sticking around.

Hannah: You might not see it in yourself, but you are my Arizona ray of sunshine and I love you more than anything! I am forever glad I chose to go to church in Phoenix that one night we met. You reached out to me for the first time later in the year because you said you were feeling really down, and I am glad you did for a variety of reasons. I am glad you reached out because I was able to make sure you were okay. You reached out to me and now I have a beautiful and wonderful best friend whose wedding I get to be in this October. Ever since you reached out to me, I have felt so blessed and fortunate to have had the chance to know you and grow with you and be your friend. I hope you can see the wonder and light within yourself that I see, and know that you are amazing as you are. I love you beyond the moon and back, because "to the moon and back" just isn't enough. 

Taylor: To my best friend in Chicago... Nykko might be your husband and the Bucky to your Steve, but with me being Captain Marvel and you being Captain America, we are two badass bitches who won't take no shit. I am overjoyed to have been a part of your wedding last October. I was there to wipe away the pre-wedding stress tears, talk sense into your family to give you space you needed to collect yourself, and I was honored to be the first person to read your vows. I am amazed at the internet friendship that formed into a beautiful personal one where I can confide in you, trust in you, and rely on you for anything. To think we became friends after I saw your Instagram photo of you and Sebastian Stan... I remember seeing that for the first time and thinking: "Wow. She seems so beautiful and confident and fun. I would love to be her best friend." And now look where we are today. Even over any bumps we have faced, we have overcome the hard things and chose to fight for our friendship and for each other. I love you endlessly.

Maddy: Oh, Maddy. Where do I even begin. After all the shit we have been through in our almost 4 years of being friends, I am so thankful for the adventures we have had and the ones we will continue to go on as two crazy best friends. You're my road trip buddy, my convention pal, and my cosplay partner in crime. You're a Marvel nerd like me and I love that about you. You are also the reason I started watching Supernatural, but you knew that. But I thank you for that too, because after the weekend we just had at creation in Indianapolis, I have found a new sense of joy, love, gratitude, and fullness. If we hadn't gone to Momento con in Pittsburgh last September, I never would have met David! And therefore, I wouldn't have made other friends through him (Like Lisa-Marie, as stated earlier). You have connected me to you by sharing what you love. And it has also connected me with others who share our fun interests as well. To think it started on April 26th, 2018 at out local theater to watch Avengers: Infinity War. I remember seeing you in your Scarlet Witch themed outfit and asking for a photo thinking "Wow! She's so cool!" and you told me you had the same first thought about me. Turns out, we are both a pair of weirdos and I love that for us. I wouldn't trade you for the world. Thank you for the best adventures ever. I love you so heckin much.

Manda: And now to my friend of almost 22 years... I love you beyond words. I can't thank you enough for being my longest best friend who literally wiped away the tears on my long hard nights I didn't think I'd live through. I feel as if I can do anything with you on my side. I can face my demons, I can conquer my fears, and love myself fully because you help me know who I am is not dependent on another, but that I have been full all along on my own. You have taught me lesson after lesson on what a true, good, and honest friend should be. Even if there were things that were hard for me to hear, I trust that you would give me the truth to better myself. That bus driver put us together in a seat when I was 5. And the rest is history. I can't remember life before you or without you, and I hope I never have to. You are  a talented artist, a thoughtful soul, and a wonderful best friend. I can't ever give you the proper expression of thanks you deserve for loving me in the lowest points of my life. From our late night Steak N Shake adventures, to sleepovers at the cottage... Making "cookie pangea" , or painting each others nails... We danced on stage with Family Force 5, and we drew stupid faces on eggs and took photos of them around my mom's house for God's sake. We have been through it all. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I'm not sure anything could change that. 

And so these are a portion of the words that I am actually able to express to say "Thank You" to my chosen family/supporters who mean the world to me. My rocks. My foundation. My favorite humans... If home is where the heart is, I'm always home with any of you. 

I feel a new sense of gratitude, grace, joy, and fullness. My life is better with you all in it.

I love you all endlessly, with the fullness of my heart. Thank you for making me now a happy, happy girl. 

~AbbyLynn

This Has Been A Year// AbbyLynn Writes

Hello my dears. This is going to be a reflection of the past year of 2019, but in form of a poem. I hope you enjoy the following poem as I try to articulate events and lessons and moments that have affected me in 2019.

This Has Been A Year
An AbbyLynn Writes original

This has been a year.
A year of loving and losing.
A year of holding on and letting go.
A year of learning and unlearning.
A year so full of lessons, 
How can I even begin to articulate it all?
...
This has been a year of loving.
As I've gone about my year,
I have loved harder than I have loved
In a very long time.
Whether the relationship was with
A guy, a friend, a family member, or myself,
I have given my heart to a handful
Of other human beings.
I have loved in hopes
Of being loved in return.
I have allowed myself to trust;
I have allowed myself to fall--
Fall into a variety of moments
With people whom I have loved very much.

But this has also been a year of losing.
Though I have loved so many
By investing my heart and mind
Into forming something that could last,
I have managed to lose the majority
Of those I had invested my time in.
The people I trusted and loved dearly,
Who said they loved me in return,
Promised they would stay.
But instead they chose to leave.
These relationships I poured my heart into
have ended on disastrous terms,
Leaving me with limited resources
To put myself back together--
To let myself believe that I could be whole
Once again.
Through all I gave of my heart,
I always felt I gained more
By the love I received in return.
But now I look back and see
This has been a year of loving and losing.

This has been a year of holding on.
During this past year
I have fought like hell to hold on
To all of the things that mattered most to me.
I have fought for precious relationships of all kinds,
Valuable pieces of my own heart,
And a sense of identity I have been searching
To regain for quite some time now.
But through all the things I have fought for,
What if I have been fighting for things 
That are no longer mine?
What if I have fought for relationships
With people who are no longer meant for me;
No longer mine to love?
What if I have fought for pieces of my heart
That have already been long gone and given away?
And what if I have fought for an identity 
Of what I once was, but no longer am?

Because this has also been a year of letting go.
I have had to let go of those relationships
That are no longer for me,
And those pieces of my heart
I've already given away,
And also the old identity
Of who I used to be.
And Lord knows I had no idea it would be
So excruciatingly painful to let go.
But it's a process.
This has been a year of holding on and letting go.

This has been a year of learning.
In the process of experiencing this year,
I have learned so much.
I have learned much of healing and growth.
I have learned much of being patient with myself.
I have learned much of what truly matters in my life.
I've learned that healing isn't linear,
And growth is an extensive process.
I've learned that I cannot expect changes
To happen overnight,
And that even if I need to go slowly,
What matters is that I'm still going.
I've learned that raw love matters.
Opening your heart to someone,
Even if you're afraid of being vulnerable,
Is still worth the risk of breaking.
You can always love more.
I've learned that life matters;
MY life matters.
I've learned that I deserve genuine love,
Real relationships, and true friendships.
I deserve to be here,
So I've learned to fight for myself.

But this has also been a year of unlearning.
I have had to unlearn so much as well.
Quite ironically, I've had to learn 
How to unlearn certain destructive habits.
I've had to unlearn leaning
On certain people who I trusted
After they managed to break that trust.
I've had to unlearn that feeling
Of being physically and emotionally
Wrapped in another human being
All because sometimes,
People can change their minds.
People can leave; people will leave.
I've mostly had to unlearn my reflex
To fight for people who won't fight for me.
I can't continue to pour my life
Into something that is already dead.
I can't continue to give my heart to people
Who don't choose to accept it.
Learning and unlearning have been struggles
So difficult, but still so necessary.
Though I never could have anticipated the weight
These lessons and trials would bring.
This has been a year of learning and unlearning.

I have loved and lost this year.
I have held on and let go this year.
I have learned and unlearned this year.
I am still here after this year.

Yes, this truly has been a year.

~AbbyLynn

For Grammy// AbbyLynn Writes

Hi friends. This is a special post about one of the strongest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I was fortunate enough to call her my Grammy. It's been a hard year without her. Grammy was a woman like no other. And as I sit here in this Starbucks to write this in her honor and memory, I have to hold back my tears. I'll love you forever Grammy. It's been a hard year without you and not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I just hope I can make you proud.

~For Grammy~
I'll remember you laughing
For the rest of my days,
And how you made me smile
In so many ways.
I'll remember that sound
Of your smile that burst,
When we all needed laughter,
I'd look to you first.

I'll remember you loving
As you gave me hugs freely,
And I'm sorry I never hugged you
Quite as tight as you hugged me.
You gave your love often
To all those around you.
In the darkest of days,
Your love would shine through.

I'll remember you strong
As you fought till the end,
And with strong came a gentle heart
Of a grammy and friend.
You're quite possibly the strongest
Of the women I've known,
As you loved us all fully
In the many ways you've shown.

As I sit here and ponder
What on earth I should do,
I realize I'll spend my whole life
Missing you.

But I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong,
And hold you close to my heart
When things start to go wrong.

And when my heart's broken
Singing an "I miss you" song,
I'll remember you laughing
And loving and strong.

~AbbyLynn

Only You// Longing For Fulfillment

Hi, friends. Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my heart recently. Lately I've noticed that I have a big need to be around other people more so than usual because I've had this growing sense of loneliness. While pondering what could be causing this increasing loneliness, I discovered a note on my phone. I wrote it sometime last year in the summer of 2018 and I can't quite remember exactly what spurred on this idea, but it was about a similar sense of loneliness to what I've been feeling recently.

"I need to know how to be alone without being lonely.
I need to know how to live with you as my One and only."

I was thinking on this concept and it reminded me of a song by one of my favorite bands, Hawk Nelson. The song is called "Only You", and it's a beautiful description of the fact that we can search this whole world throughout our lives, but only Jesus is going to be able to satisfy our souls the way we need. 
I absolutely love the whole song, so picking my "favorite part" is literally impossible because each part has a different meaning and touches my heart a certain way. But here's what stood out to me the most I guess:

"I could search down here for the rest of my life
And this one thing is all that I'd find:
That only You can fill my heart the way You do
Only You can take what's worn and make it new
So I'll take all these broken dreams and petty things
Replace them with something that's true
I'll take 'em replace them with You."

After soaking in these lyrics and rediscovering my own written words, I feel like I've found the source of my recent loneliness. I've noticed that I'm constantly in search of something to fill me up, keep me company, or be present at all times, all the while forgetting that Jesus should be what fills me. Jesus will keep me company when I need it. Jesus is present at all times. I've been so busy searching for human satisfaction and fulfillment that I've missed the fact that the most satisfying fulfillment, company, and presence has always been there just trying to be with me from the start. 

I have a mission, my friends. I want to take the time to run to Jesus daily. I have this ever present loneliness that has been recently growing and I'm aware that, after a lot of wondering and tough realizations, only He can fill my heart. Not one single person on this earth can ever "fix" me or fill the emptiness that lies deep in my heart. That's why I'm so grateful to have a Savior who longs to fill what I'm missing in my life. I spend so much time looking for company from others at all times, but I have Jesus readily available at all times. I strive to know Him more, and I rest in the fact that He just wants to spend time with me. 
I'll leave you with one more lovely quote I found that sums up what I've learned about seeking fulfillment and satisfaction through anything but Jesus.

"It's all about where you run to fill yourself up when you're empty."

Fill your cup with the right things, friends. Be blessed.

~AbbyLynn

Positive Baby Steps// A Healing Process

Hello my dears.
It's been a hella long week. And it's only Tuesday.
Today I wanna talk about what I've been going through lately. I want to address my healing process of taking positive baby steps. 
Currently I'm sitting in the Biggby down the street from my house as I wait for a friend to come keep me company for a bit on her way home from work. I'm listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers on repeat as I write because it's inspired me to talk about my healing process and my attempts to fight and "hold on" lately.
As some of you may know from following my Instagram, Facebook, or this blog, I deal with Anxiety, PTSD, a paranoid thought disorder, and Bipolar Depression, and each of those illnesses have been causing me to be feeling hopeless and lost, especially recently. Also, each of those mental illnesses are often misunderstood. My anxiety is more than just being a serious worrier. It's my body's response to a feeling of being unsafe, particularly in public places and when under certain stressors. My PTSD is more than bad memories. It's a bundle of triggers and nightmares that never cease because I've been haunted from a past of poor relationships. My paranoid thought disorder is more than thinking everyone is watching me or out to get me. It's this horrible feeling of intense fear that anyone and/or everyone in my life could and will leave me, especially if I open up about my feelings. And my bipolar depression is so much more than me just having major mood swings. It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, that come and go as they please and often show as reflex responses to stressors that could cause frustration, sadness, or sometimes even happiness to get me feeling on top of the world. But eventually that on top of the world feeling will crash back into a few days to a week or two of horrible depression.
These are my demons, my struggles, and my battles. They've caused me to have a severe lack of appetite recently, as well as many occasions where I tend to either isolate myself, or the opposite feeling where I CRAVE to be around someone who will care and listen to what I have to say without judgement. This explanation of my daily struggles has been a long way to say that healing isn't easy,  and it's a long process.
My good friend Kira has given me a form of daily "homework", of course she would seeing as she's a teacher, but I honestly do appreciate it. Each night I have to record and send her two things I love about myself and one thing I'm thankful to God for. And so I've been doing it. Begrudgingly and difficultly. Even when I'm not feeling it. But I suppose that's the point. 
I've also come to appreciate the honest talks I've been able to have with my sweet friend Maddy and her brother Lucas, both of them allowing me to open up about where I'm hurt, and being solid soundboards who listen and give encouragement and understanding. I am forever thankful for them. 
There are small baby steps to my healing. Writing things down in my "homework" journal from Kira. Learning to listen to Lucas when he tells me to stop putting myself down. Following Maddy's advice to keep fighting even when I don't feel I have the strength. I'm not sure where I'd be without them and more people who have recently allowed me to open up to them about my struggles.
So as I sit here in this Biggby, still listening to "Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background 30 minutes later, I'm here to tell you this. Fighting is worth it. Holding on is worth it. Living and loving and pursuing a future is worth it. In the midst of my chaos, there are sweet friends and family members who care for me, whether I realize it fully or not. I am thankful for my blessings and I will continue to take my positive baby steps to healing from recent events that broke me, and old events that have lingered around for too long. 
I want to leave you with this message. Yes, it is in fact from the Jonas Brothers song I've been playing this whole time.

"When it falls apart
And your feeling lost,
All your hope is gone,
Don't forget to hold on."

~AbbyLynn

"What I Didn't Ask For"-- AbbyLynn Writes

Hello, loves.
This post is long overdue. It's a post about the relationship that is at the center of my diagnosed PTSD. So often, people with a past of any form of abuse have been told that they "asked for it", or that "it's all in their head". But this is a slam to those comments, and I have been so afraid of what people might think about it, that I haven't shared it. I've become more bold and decided it's time to share. To anyone who has been through abuse of any kind or something similar, this is FOR you. And to those who think we brought this trauma upon ourselves, this is TO you. This is "What I Didn't Ask For".

"What I Didn't Ask For"// An AbbyLynn Writes Poem
I didn't ask for this...
The horrible trauma,
The haunting flashbacks, 
Or the ever-present loneliness 
That is ironically the only company for me
After our toxic encounter.
I didn't ask for this...
The broken heart,
The relapse into depression,
Or the constant nightmares 
That I'm still dealing with,
Even after years of being away from you.
Believe me, because 
I did not ask for this...
The false rumors spread,
The arguments that stood against me,
And the relentless force 
Of those around me who tried to say
That I was lying, 
And the whole situation was 
"All in my head".
I didn't ask for any of this.

You know what I did ask for?
All I asked for was for you to respect my boundaries.
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to try and understand
Why I was saying "no".
But you didn't.
All I asked for was for you to stop pressuring me.
But. You. Didn't.

You said you had "needs',
Okay but I had boundaries.
You reasoned it was fine because you loved me,
I mean, yeah, but don't forget I loved you too,
I just showed it differently.
You claimed I didn't love you because I said "no",
But honestly, I could claim you didn't love me,
Because though I said no,
You kept pressuring me anyway.

Maybe you did love me,
But then why didn't you respect me?
Maybe you did love me,
But then how come you never accepted my wishes?
Maybe in some weird and twisted way,
You did love me,
But I still always felt like
I was replaceable to you.

And in the end I've been replaced.
You didn't need me, you see?
Was it really worth the mess you made
Of my mind and emotions
Just to say you loved me by how you touched my body??

Because looking back, 
I'd say you felt lust, not love.
You found love with a new woman, I see.
And I'm still piecing myself back together
After all the ways you shattered me.
But don't worry about me,
I know you wouldn't anyway.
I'll be fine somehow,
As I fumble clumsily with new experiences,
Trying to know what love really is.
But I know what love isn't,
And I suppose that's a good place to start.

Love is nothing like the pressure I was under.
Love is nothing like the manipulation I endure.
No, plain and simply, love is nothing like you.
Because I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
A drunken black eye.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Reasons to feel guilty.
I asked for love,
But what did you give me?
Hell.
You gave me Hell.
And I did NOT ask for that.

~AbbyLynn

Hi I'm Abby--The Truth About Mental Illness

Hey friends.
I realized I literally haven't posted anything all year. I've had a lot of things hit me and I honestly have been left with no words to handle what I've felt this year. I've been going up and down and all over with life happenings from losing friends, losing my job, trying to find a new job, being officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, reaffirmed in my diagnosis with PTSD, and switched on so many meds it makes my head spin.
That being said, this is a very important post that is close to my heart. It's inspired by a very vulnerable Tweet my friend wrote on Twitter. I won't share their name just for privacy reasons.

"Hi-- I'm _____. I have diagnosed ocd. You may think it’s just rigid rules in my head, but it’s actually a skin-crawling hell where I feel defeated, unsafe, and hopeless in my own home. :) it’s not quirky or cute, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about germs."

This tweet struck a chord with me. Because it touches on an important subject: Mental Illness Stereotypes. Which is something the world could really use less of. My friend talks about OCD. I'm gonna be addressing my big battles. So here we go...

Hi-- I'm Abby. I have diagnosed Bipolar Depression and PTSD. You may think the bipolar is just me being moody and changing my mind a lot throughout the day, but it's actually a rollercoaster of unwanted episodes of hypomania, depression, and mixed emotions. Also, the hypomania isn't me going "crazy", though I feel like it. The hypomania is actually the feeling of going through a "high" but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. It can come with giddiness, irritability, and excitement, as well as distractedness, restlessness, and decreased need for sleep (along with a variety of other symptoms). It’s not really fun to be on highs (because I know I'm going to most likely crash when it ends), meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not about being moody and overly emotional.
You may also think that my PTSD is just me being overly sensitive and I must be making it up because some believe only war victims have PTSD, but in my life, it's actually having to avoid certain stimuli that trigger me to have flashbacks and anxiety attacks due to a flood of memories from a past abusive and manipulative relationship. PTSD in my life is actually having horrendous nightmares with no cause other than my brain is a battle field, and having daydreams at a single word, touch, smell, or drifting thought that brings me down my whole day. PTSD in my life is actually hell that I didn't ask for, even when people say I brought my mistreatment upon myself, and I can confirm: I NEVER asked for this. It’s not my chosen "damsel in distress" mode and need for attention, meds & counsel don’t always help, & it’s not always about war.
Two more things... Bipolar and PTSD in MY life will most likely look different than these same disorders in the lives of others. What damages me might not damage others the same, and the same can be told the other way around. We all have different triggers that set us off, different events that bring us down, and different ways of reacting to what we've been given. DO NOT invalidate my emotions because you've been through "worse", because I would NEVER do that back to you.
And finally... Though often my mental illnesses are claimed to be "all in my head" (as I'm sure others have heard as well), why does that mean they are any less real? The brain is an organ, my friends. And just like any other organ, it CAN get sick. Don't belittle our struggles.

Thank you, friends, for taking a glimpse into my struggle and a struggle so many others face as well. I'll leave you with these lyrics that are important to me from a song tattooed on my arm:

"We all make a different sound when we break."~Vesperteen

~AbbyLynn