Here's to the honest thoughts about to pour from my heart via this laptop keyboard...
Have you ever had a moment that you were so into, you didn't even wanna close your eyes out of fear that you would miss it? Because that's how I felt last month.
For those of you that don't know, I have left the school I was attending in Arizona and moved back to Michigan where I am from. To do what, you may ask?
Well I have no idea.
Being completely honest, this was not part of the plan.
I was supposed to stay in school at GCU for this year and then another year or so and get my bachelor's degree in Christian Studies. And if it wasn't for my grades, I probably could have done that. But why did I get such poor grades I had to move back to Michigan? Well, I'd like to say there was some sort of reasonable explanation, but I'm being honest here. And the truth is that I just didn't have it together. My depression and anxiety were out of control at school. My social life and even my heart felt happier there, but my mental stability was faltering due to the constant stress of school classes, life turning points, and other struggles I faced while being in Arizona. I tried hard. The hardest I had ever tried just to go on with daily life. But most of my days were spent in bed trying to avoid the stress of school, and my nights were spent awake because I wasted my days when I could have been working and being productive. Yes, I realize this is a counter productive system, but nobody said depression and anxiety were very logical mental disorders. Not that there really are any logical mental disorders... But the point is this: even though it didn't make sense to avoid my school work as it accumulated more and more, I did so out of the fear of failing. The fear of failing led me to never trying. And I was so wrapped up in my anxiety and fear that before I knew it, exactly what I was afraid of having happen, was happening. My grades were embarrassingly low, my scholarship was gone, and I was curled up in bed sobbing due to the realization that I was getting suspended for the next semester and even if I was somehow accepted back, I would not afford to go back to GCU anyway.
My friends, I'm going to tell you how that made me feel. I realize my feelings do not equal facts about myself, but nonetheless, this was what my heart was going through.
I felt like a failure. I felt like I messed up my plan. Even worse, I thought I messed up God's plan. Like He had given me this wonderful dream come true opportunity to study in Arizona on a Christian campus, surrounded by wonderful people I now know as my friends, and to be encouraged and loved by those very same friends, but because I just couldn't get my act together, I somehow messed up God's plan.
This is false.
I didn't mess up God's plan for my life. Because I know better. I don't have the power to mess up my Maker's plan. I am not able to mess up the plan He has laid out for my life. My friends, I have simply found a closed door. God closed this door, and kept the one leading me to Michigan open. I have bits and pieces of plans, various ones, that I could try and go with, but overall and so long as it is in God's hands, I'm trusting that I will manage to get through day by day somehow.
I'm not gonna lie and say I am stress free (hello, I have an anxiety disorder...), but I'm definitely more secure in knowing that I haven't failed. I have only found another way that doesn't work for me.
I'm also not going to tell you I was all happy to go back to Michigan, even if I do have family and friends in the state too, because it was incredibly difficult to leave what I had established in Arizona. Strangers became classmates, classmates became friends, and friends because family that I was hoping I'd never have to live without. And though it's hard to be far from them, not being able to simply drive to an off campus friend or walk to a GCU dorm to get a hug for times I need comfort, I know that they still love me and will be supporting me from afar like family does. Just as my family supported me leaving MI to go to AZ, my desert family is supporting me as I go back to the mitten state.
That is why I was having moments. Those moments I mentioned in the beginning, where you don't wanna close your eyes because you're scared you'll open them to find the moment is gone. I was so afraid of closing my eyes for too long even in worship at church, because I was worried I'd wake up from a dream and I'd find it wasn't real. That everything I had come to love so much there, would be gone. It isn't necessarily "gone", per say, but it is much farther away, and has now developed the title of fond memories, rather than near future activities.
I have taken quite a bit of time to put this post together for you, my friends. Because it has been a difficult challenge for me to find the right words to say to you. So though it is hard to leave behind my Arizona chapter for now, I am writing a new one in Michigan while I speak. I'm applying for jobs and looking into going back to Grand Rapids Community College for the time being and perhaps I will take some psychology classes and pursue an Associates degree for starters, then transfer somewhere close to home or find another school I can go to and pursue a Bachelor's degree. Or, I may not find any school that is right for me or a degree that I choose to pursue. In that case, I will keep working by day, and honing my craft by night with my photography and my cosplay that I make. As long as I do what I love, I suppose I'll never truly be working, but I will definitely be growing.
And so, my friends, I would like to thank all of you in Arizona who have helped mold my heart while keeping it soft. You have helped better me, and love me, and grow me into who I am now. I am always trying to better myself and I am still in pursuit of new ways to learn and grow and become someone who can achieve higher goals. Thanks to many of you, I realized that I can accomplish much, but perhaps my pace of achievement is in smaller steps than those around me. And that is absolutely okay. I love you all and would like to end with this quote by Bianca Sparacino. May you be blessed in your future endeavors and know I love you dearly.
~AbbyLynn
"Remember what you are made of the next time you think you are bulletproof. You are white bone and silken flesh; your heart is made of gold and glass. Stop trying to make yourself indestructible-- Like any soft creature it is in your nature to break, like any soft creature it is in your nature to grow."-Bianca Sparacino
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