Growing Pains-- GCU in Rearview

Hello loves.

Here's to the honest thoughts about to pour from my heart via this laptop keyboard...

Have you ever had a moment that you were so into, you didn't even wanna close your eyes out of fear that you would miss it? Because that's how I felt last month. 

For those of you that don't know, I have left the school I was attending in Arizona and moved back to Michigan where I am from. To do what, you may ask?

Well I have no idea.

Being completely honest, this was not part of the plan.

I was supposed to stay in school at GCU for this year and then another year or so and get my bachelor's degree in Christian Studies. And if it wasn't for my grades, I probably could have done that. But why did I get such poor grades I had to move back to Michigan? Well, I'd like to say there was some sort of reasonable explanation, but I'm being honest here. And the truth is that I just didn't have it together. My depression and anxiety were out of control at school. My social life and even my heart felt happier there, but my mental stability was faltering due to the constant stress of school classes, life turning points, and other struggles I faced while being in Arizona. I tried hard. The hardest I had ever tried just to go on with daily life. But most of my days were spent in bed trying to avoid the stress of school, and my nights were spent awake because I wasted my days when I could have been working and being productive. Yes, I realize this is a counter productive system, but nobody said depression and anxiety were very logical mental disorders. Not that there really are any logical mental disorders... But the point is this: even though it didn't make sense to avoid my school work as it accumulated more and more, I did so out of the fear of failing. The fear of failing led me to never trying. And I was so wrapped up in my anxiety and fear that before I knew it, exactly what I was afraid of having happen, was happening. My grades were embarrassingly low, my scholarship was gone, and I was curled up in bed sobbing due to the realization that I was getting suspended for the next semester and even if I was somehow accepted back, I would not afford to go back to GCU anyway. 

My friends, I'm going to tell you how that made me feel. I realize my feelings do not equal facts about myself, but nonetheless, this was what my heart was going through. 

I felt like a failure. I felt like I messed up my plan. Even worse, I thought I messed up God's plan. Like He had given me this wonderful dream come true opportunity to study in Arizona on a Christian campus, surrounded by wonderful people I now know as my friends, and to be encouraged and loved by those very same friends, but because I just couldn't get my act together, I somehow messed up God's plan.

This is false.

I didn't mess up God's plan for my life. Because I know better. I don't have the power to mess up my Maker's plan. I am not able to mess up the plan He has laid out for my life. My friends, I have simply found a closed door. God closed this door, and kept the one leading me to Michigan open. I have bits and pieces of plans, various ones, that I could try and go with, but overall and so long as it is in God's hands, I'm trusting that I will manage to get through day by day somehow.

I'm not gonna lie and say I am stress free (hello, I have an anxiety disorder...), but I'm definitely more secure in knowing that I haven't failed. I have only found another way that doesn't work for me. 

I'm also not going to tell you I was all happy to go back to Michigan, even if I do have family and friends in the state too,  because it was incredibly difficult to leave what I had established in Arizona. Strangers became classmates, classmates became friends, and friends because family that I was hoping I'd never have to live without. And though it's hard to be far from them, not being able to simply drive to an off campus friend or walk to a GCU dorm to get a hug for times I need comfort, I know that they still love me and will be supporting me from afar like family does. Just as my family supported me leaving MI to go to AZ, my desert family is supporting me as I go back to the mitten state. 

That is why I was having moments. Those moments I mentioned in the beginning, where you don't wanna close your eyes because you're scared you'll open them to find the moment is gone. I was so afraid of closing my eyes for too long even in worship at church, because I was worried I'd wake up from a dream and I'd find it wasn't real. That everything I had come to love so much there, would be gone. It isn't necessarily "gone", per say, but it is much farther away, and has now developed the title of fond memories, rather than near future activities.

I have taken quite a bit of time to put this post together for you, my friends. Because it has been a difficult challenge for me to find the right words to say to you. So though it is hard to leave behind my Arizona chapter for now, I am writing a new one in Michigan while I speak. I'm applying for jobs and looking into going back to Grand Rapids Community College for the time being and perhaps I will take some psychology classes and pursue an Associates degree for starters, then transfer somewhere close to home or find another school I can go to and pursue a Bachelor's degree. Or, I may not find any school that is right for me or a degree that I choose to pursue. In that case, I will keep working by day, and honing my craft by night with my photography and my cosplay that I make. As long as I do what I love, I suppose I'll never truly be working, but I will definitely be growing. 

And so, my friends, I would like to thank all of you in Arizona who have helped mold my heart while keeping it soft. You have helped better me, and love me, and grow me into who I am now. I am always trying to better myself and I am still in pursuit of new ways to learn and grow and become someone who can achieve higher goals. Thanks to many of you, I realized that I can accomplish much, but perhaps my pace of achievement is in smaller steps than those around me. And that is absolutely okay. I love you all and would like to end with this quote by Bianca Sparacino. May you be blessed in your future endeavors and know I love you dearly.

~AbbyLynn

"Remember what you are made of the next time you think you are bulletproof. You are white bone and silken flesh; your heart is made of gold and glass. Stop trying to make yourself indestructible-- Like any soft creature it is in your nature to break, like any soft creature it is in your nature to grow."-Bianca Sparacino

A Day We Can't Forget--Remembering 9/11

Hello friends. Hello family. Hello strangers and acquaintances, new people and longtime followers. Hello fellow human beings. Because when it comes down to it, isn't that what we all have in common? That we are human beings?

Today is a special post. Today its not about me, today is not about music posts, today isn't even about my classes and homework and to-do lists. Today is about love. And life. And remembering those we've loved who lost their lives during the terrorist attack that has deeply scarred The United States of America on September 11, 2001. This exact day 16 years ago.

I'm writing this post because I have something to tell you.

I want to tell you where I was and what I was doing and how much I remember. I don't remember much, but what I do remember is burned into the back of my mind for life. I remember being 6. I was in my first grade class in Grand Rapids, MI. 

I remember chaos and confusion. I was so young, and we had school, but something was very wrong with the teachers, they all looked so scared.

I remember going home early. I remember my mom eagerly awaiting my arrival home and holding me tightly in her arms when I got there. 

I remember tears. I remember seeing those around me cry at the loss of the loved one who belonged to a friend of a friend of a friends relative. Or just a total stranger who lost their life searching and attempting to save the lives of others who were in those two monumental buildings.

I remember not knowing how to process this. I was only six you see. How does a six year old girl comprehend hatred and violence through terrorist attacks on the very country she calls home?

Now I am 22 years old.

16 years have passed, but not one year has this day gone forgotten from the hearts of Americans.

This is a day we have mourned.

This is a day we have been hurt.

This is a day we have been broken as a country.

But this is also a day when we need to stand together.

We stand together as a community of fellow human beings, all living life trying to get from one day to the next, and maybe leave a legacy of love behind while we are at it, trying and striving to make a difference in this world.

Those that don't agree with leaving a legacy of love will fight back quite strongly because they disagree with our methods of loving.

And so we fight back too. We do not give up or lose ground by fighting back, as we fight back with kindness, however. We fight back with love and compassion. We take this world and we love it upside down, until the hate is flushed out and taken aback by our methods.

I will stand beside you who is reading this or hearing it via video on my Facebook page. I stand beside those who have lost loved ones, or who know someone who has lost a loved one through the plane crashes on this day 16 years ago. And I stand beside the lives lost, the hearts broken, and the people who ache for a community that simply remembers to love.

Imagine what this world could look like if we stopped looking at the disagreements and the differences between us, but rather, we payed close and detailed attention to the similarities that draw us closer together as American citizens, and even global citizens who share the right to be human together. 

This day was not just an attack on New York. This day was an attack on the hearts of America. I sit here writing this in my captain america shirt, not just because it's a symbol of a comic book hero, but because it is a symbol I choose to use to represent me and my love for this country I am so blessed to live in. So today, as we truly remember what happened, our hearts can beat as one as we long to change the world with our love. 

Because the American people who embrace the true embodiment of what it means to be an American are strong people. We are loving people. We are more than just fast food, fast cars, and fast life. We are for freedom. We are for love. We are for unity.

There is chaos and commotion and conflict all over the world. There are natural disasters, terrorists, and wars. There are so many problems that come at us, but we will not be defeated. Because we will love this world, love OUR world, to the point where our hearts will beat as one, and I can walk side by side with my worldly neighbors and be free to lead a life of love and compassion and joy.

Can you imagine it? A life where we are one? I sure can, and one day, we'll see it come to be whether in this life or the next. We will see love win.  

A Positive Note to Self

Hello lemon drops,
That's what you're being called today, just FYI. I felt the need to share with you this note. A positive note to self, because my little lemon drops, today has been running me down with insecurity.
I have been looking in the mirror today and thinking: "Well maybe if i got a better acne cream, I'd look better without make up on" or "if i lost a little weight around the tummy, I'd feel prettier" and whether these things are true or not, no amount of dieting, weight loss, skin cream, makeup, or facial work should ever be what is controlling my image of my self. So here I write to you my Positive Note to Self.

A  Positive Note to Self...

Dear Self,
It's me...erm...you...? Us....I...??
You know what I mean. 
This is your inner voice.
There is something I've been meaning to say to you,
But don't worry, It isn't bad this time.
I realize that the past notes I've written to you have been pretty bad.
"Note to Self: Lose weight" 
or "Note to Self: stop looking in the mirror and maybe you'd hate yourself less" 
or even "Note to Self: Stop being a total failure at life".
All these past notes to you that are so filled with negativity,
I can see that you are drowning in cruel words from me.
So today I am here to spread positivity, rather than negativity.

So Note to Self:
LOVE WHO YOU ARE.
You know something? 
You believe in God, I know it's true.
I can feel it in your heart.
Well then you should know this to be true,
My dear sweet reflection,
That God is hopelessly, helplessly, head over heels in LOVE with you!
So why aren't you?
You are hand-crafted by the maker of the universe.
You have been formed and created by the star breathing God of all.
The maker of all things who DOES NOT make mistakes
Has chosen to make YOU.
He loves you so dearly, so sweetly, and so truly.
So if he sees all your flaws, past, and mistakes, but still chooses to love you, 
Why shouldn't you?

Note to Self:
CHOOSE JOY.
Have you been talking to Depression and Anxiety lately?
Because I can see you've lost your sparkle. 
That glimmer in your eye has been dulled
By the cruel words you have surrounded yourself with.
The negativity that is often spoken through me,
Your very own inner voice.
I am here now to tell you that anything Depression and Anxiety have to say
Are nothing but lies.
Anxiety is trying to keep you in a box, 
And Depression is trying to keep you down while you're in that box.
Together, they will be the dynamic duo of your undoing.
Don't give them more power than they really need.
I plead with you to choose to smile at work, even when you don't wanna be there.
I ask that you lift your head in times of trouble to look up and see the sun.
I BEG that you please find it in your strength to reach up to your Heavenly Father, 
Especially when you feel He's furthest away,
Because let me reassure you,
He is never far away.
He is always within reach.
So please choose Joy.
It is with good intent that I request this of you.

And finally,
Note to Self:
HOLD ON.
I know you're tired.
I know you're exhausted.
I know you are mentally, spiritually, physically-- in every sense of the word WORN
You are WORN.
But please let me encourage you to keep going.
Get out of bed tomorrow when you feel like sleeping more.
Go into work when you feel you can't make it in because of your emotions telling you lies.
Do things that make you happy for improved mental health even if you don't have interest.
Eat good food. 
Work out a bit.
Go see the sunshine. 
Compliment yourself.
Keep smiling.
Just please keep holding on to anything that makes you glad.
You have friends and family and co workers that do not , in fact, hate you.
But much rather, they love you, they want you, they need you.
You're not finished yet, 
So let God complete His work in your life.
He's got you, my friend.

Oh yeah and I guess I lied, one more thing...
Self? Look in the mirror. 
You see me?...erm...you? 
Go ahead and repeat this:
I want to be your friend.

To your Mind:
I want to be your friend.
To your Soul:
I want to be your friend.
To your Body:
I want to be your friend.
To your Heart: 
I want to be your friend.
To YOU:
I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
Okay?

I know you've been waiting for this, 
So go on, Self. 
Live.
Don't just exist.
Clean up your messes.
Be considerate.
Show compassion.
Love others.
Be your own best friend, okay? 
And remember WHO and WHOSE you are.

You are a daughter of the King.
You are a creation of the Maker who makes everything but mistakes.
You are a masterpiece, my dear sweet Self.

I believe in you.
~Love,
Yourself

I hope and pray that this has managed to speak into someone's life today, and let me know if there's anything I can pray about for any one of you little lemon drops. Be Blessed.

~AbbyLynn

Fulfilment and Value-- Don't Lose Sight of Your Worth

Hey darlings,

I hope you're all having a wonderful Sunday and a good time with your dads on Father's day today! I'm writing you to today, however, because there's something important for me to say. It's about fulfillment, value, and not settling for less than you deserve. Where did this all come from, you might ask? Well, I've never really been a part of the party scene, I don't really drink alcohol much, and I'm not a fan of big crowds of people, so I never really go out to parties or clubs or anything like that, but this week was different. There was celebrating to be done as my hometown hockey team won the Calder Cup, so partying to celebrate was the natural plan for everyone. I decided to go out with people and party as well, I never had more than two drinks the whole week, but this whole week was party after party after party, and I woke up this morning to tell you some things. 

First, I hate parties. I really hate them. The party scene is not for me. Like at all. Mostly because of the way the alcohol got to my head and I let poor treatment of myself slide when I normally wouldn't. There were guys I met that talked to me and acted towards me in ways I normally would have never allowed, but I was looking for my fulfillment and happiness and everything important in all the wrong things this week. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad with celebrating and having a fun night out with friends, I just shouldn't have been looking for my worth and satisfaction outside of myself and my faith in God, which leads to point two...

Second point is this: Don't look for your worth and satisfaction outside of yourself and faith in God. My friends I have learned this lesson countless times, but I just relearned it when I woke up feeling sad and unsettled this morning. NOTHING can satisfy my heart and soul like Jesus can. He is the one true thing that will ever fill me up and fulfill the needs of my heart. I will not boast in my accomplishments, or my city's accomplishments, or my favorite team's accomplishments even. I will not boast in my abilities, or reputation, or talents, or what have you. My friends please hear me out, because I live to make my boast in CHRIST ALONE. And I wasn't representing it that well this week. But that's between me and God. So I'm here to tell you this so you can learn from my mistakes. I'm not saying never party. I'm not saying don't go out and drink. I'm not saying these things are wrong, bad, or evil, but friends please don't let people, and parties, and alcohol be the fulfillment. Please don't let them be the center of your being and what keeps you feeling whole because they will always let you down.

I woke up this morning feeling empty. I had a week of parties and I woke up feeling like I searched for my fullness and in the wrong place. I wasn't being true to myself, representing my God, or giving myself the treatment I deserved, rather I was letting myself be devalued by others while I searched for a temporary high.

And now here's the last thing I wanted to say for you. You. Are. Loved. Please know this. Always. Never sell yourself short of who God says you are just because you got caught up in the world like I did. Because what God says about you is the truth and He reigns supreme. He calls you loved, chosen, valued, priceless, beautiful, and so much more than I could ever begin to describe. I tell you this all not to condemn anybody who lives every week the way I lived this week, because condemning is not my job. My job is to love and because I love you all I want to look out for you and make sure that when you go out and celebrate and have your fun weekends, that you don't let that be where you find your truth, joy, and satisfaction. And along the way, don't let yourself become devalued, because my dear friends, you are all so loved and so valued beyond your wildest imaginations. Don't lose sight of your worth. 

Thank you for taking the time to read what's on my mind today, and I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day. 

Oh and shout out to my Step-dad Mark, my dad, and my Father for being the best three guys who are always looking out for me.

Be blessed.

Love, Abby Lynn

Above My Brokenness-- Getting On My Feet

Hello friends, 
It sure has been a while, hasn't it? I apologize for my lack of posting here, it's just that I tend to get down in my days and caught up in routines, and I often don't know what to say to you. If you would like an update on what is going on in my life, you've come to the right place, so here it is...

I just got done with my first year at Grand Canyon University in Phoenix, Arizona. Though I have learned a lot this past school year, I have managed to fall flat on my face in terms of my grades. This next semester, therefore, is very crucial to my success in school. I tell you that, to tell you this: I need to get my act together. And I think that there are others out there who may have felt or feel the same way every now and again. Where you get so wrapped up in your problems, that they just take control of your life and you drown in them, letting everything else around you fall apart. At least that's what seems to have happened to me.

This year at GCU, I had the time of my life outside of classes. I met wonderful people who are dear friends to me now, I had adventures in faith with my new friends, and I learned a lot of lessons that weren't from my classes. I'd like to share what I know now after this past year. 

First, I learned where I went wrong. This school year, though it was fun aside from my classes, was a year I took defeat when I should not have. I let my problems get the best of me and take victory in my life. That's not at all how it should have been. I should have realized sooner that I was slipping into disaster, and been able to rise above it. But I can't get too down on my self with "should have" and "could have" and all the things I wish I did better. Because I made mistakes, and there's no re-doing this year. So here's what I need to do now: I need to get back in the game and take control of what contributed to my defeats. And that leads into another lesson...

Second thing I learned is probably the newest realization for me and a major part in how I approach the fall semester. I AM NOT DEFEATED BY MY BROKENNESS. I don't need to live broken in order to rely on God. There are plenty of people out there who rely on God in their lives and live victoriously, so why can't I? I was not made to be defeated by my anxiety and depression, but I was made to walk free and live confidently in who I am in Christ! I am to show who He created me to be and be a light in the world. I am a beloved child of the One True King and He has created me for SO much more than living in defeat. 

The final thing I learned that we are in constant battle throughout life, but I have also learned that GRACE WINS EVERY TIME. Our God wins in the end of this, my friends. I can do this. You can do this. We can do this. We can be champions because we are conquerors through our Savior, Jesus Christ. The same God that was with David when he battled Goliath is with me and you too. We will see these giants FALL. 

So what is the point of this post? It is to remind you, and mostly remind myself, that God has got our lives so strongly and yet carefully in His hands that there is NOTHING we cannot do with Him on our side. I will get on my feet. I will choose joy. I will choose grace. I will choose to rise above my brokenness.

Will you?

Thank you for reading, my friends. I appreciate it and I would love the prayer support if you would ever so kindly lift me up in that way, and if there's any way I can lift you up as well, let me know. Be blessed.

Love,
Abby Lynn

Recovery, Relapse, and More Recovery

Hi friends. It's been a few months since I last posted here, but that's because I've been actively avoiding my blog, sadly. I think it's because I just haven't known what to say. I've had quite the bit of heart troubles going on and, without going into detail, it's just been weighing on my shoulders and making living life pretty difficult lately. But here we go on some personal reasons for why I've been avoiding my blog as well as other things I normally love dearly. 

For those of you that don't know, I've been battling depression since I was about 12 years old, but it was never really diagnosed until I was 18 and decided to go seek therapy for the depressive thoughts and my anxiety. I've struggled with the two together for about 10 years now and some might say it gets easier...I just say you get used to struggling constantly. But I'd like to believe that it can get better; that I can get better.

As you may have noticed the title of this post is called "Recovery, Relapse, and More Recovery" and I called it that because that's how it generally works for me. I have these great periods of time whether it be days, or weeks, where things are fine and I don't feel crippled by my anxiety or depression, that even though they're still there, I can tackle my troubles better equipped for battle, and I even think it's getting better and I'm healing. Then a real bad day hits, and I fall into a slump. And when I'm in a slump, it's bad. Like really really bad. Because unslumping myself is not very easy. I get caught up in dark depressive thoughts, entangled in my anxiety, and all I wanna do I sleep because then the problems I face can't get to me, but it's so hard to sleep when I have so much to think about. So I just go about my days in my slump going back and forth between sleeping and lying awake overthinking everything. But then something manages to set me straight again. And it's always the same thing.

Whenever I'm in my dark days I'm so dragged down by everything that I can hardly breathe, but here is what gets me out of my bed. Here is what gets me out of my slump long enough to catch my breath again and find some solid ground. It is when I have become so broken that I find myself on my knees on the bathroom floor of my college dorm. It is when I have become so broken that I have cried myself to sleep one too many times and now I lay awake this night praying for a change of pace. It is when I have become so broken that I am leaning into the arms of a friend to console me in the reality I have to face that maybe I am just too afraid to get out of my bed. 

For it is in my low state of brokenness when God sweeps down and reaches out to me to cradle me in his loving arms.

It is in my brokenness when God tells me "Hush, my sweet sweet child, for you are loved and you are not alone in this."

It is in my brokenness when God is the only thing left standing and left to be whole when it seems like everything else has shattered. 

Yesterday I went to church at Hillsong Phoenix to hear Pastor Terry give a sermon that hit home real hard for me. It was about who we are to God and how it doesn't matter what the world has to say about us so long as we know what God says, because he calls us loved, righteous, redeemed, chosen, precious, valuable, and so much more. 

I am SO MUCH MORE than my depression.

I am SO MUCH MORE than my anxiety.

I am SO MUCH MORE than my fear.

I am a child of God.

And so are you, friend.

The whole reason for this title is that it is how the cycle seems to go for me. But why didn't I say recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, ect...? Because it ends with recovery. It ends with healing. It ends with getting better.

I'm not gonna just sit here and wallow in the depths of despair forever. I am not supposed to be this way. I was not created to be defeated. I was created to be VICTORIOUS.

WE were created to be victorious.

So friend, in the midst of my struggles and pain and confusion I tell you this. God is SO good. Okay? And he loves you more than you could ever imagine. I don't know what you're going through personally, but if it's anything like what I've been through and am still going through, then I guess we're in this together. You're doing great. Hang in there. And I will too.

~Abby Lynn