Hello my dears. This is going to be a reflection of the past year of 2019, but in form of a poem. I hope you enjoy the following poem as I try to articulate events and lessons and moments that have affected me in 2019.
This Has Been A Year
An AbbyLynn Writes original
This has been a year.
A year of loving and losing.
A year of holding on and letting go.
A year of learning and unlearning.
A year so full of lessons,
How can I even begin to articulate it all?
...
This has been a year of loving.
As I've gone about my year,
I have loved harder than I have loved
In a very long time.
Whether the relationship was with
A guy, a friend, a family member, or myself,
I have given my heart to a handful
Of other human beings.
I have loved in hopes
Of being loved in return.
I have allowed myself to trust;
I have allowed myself to fall--
Fall into a variety of moments
With people whom I have loved very much.
But this has also been a year of losing.
Though I have loved so many
By investing my heart and mind
Into forming something that could last,
I have managed to lose the majority
Of those I had invested my time in.
The people I trusted and loved dearly,
Who said they loved me in return,
Promised they would stay.
But instead they chose to leave.
These relationships I poured my heart into
have ended on disastrous terms,
Leaving me with limited resources
To put myself back together--
To let myself believe that I could be whole
Once again.
Through all I gave of my heart,
I always felt I gained more
By the love I received in return.
But now I look back and see
This has been a year of loving and losing.
This has been a year of holding on.
During this past year
I have fought like hell to hold on
To all of the things that mattered most to me.
I have fought for precious relationships of all kinds,
Valuable pieces of my own heart,
And a sense of identity I have been searching
To regain for quite some time now.
But through all the things I have fought for,
What if I have been fighting for things
That are no longer mine?
What if I have fought for relationships
With people who are no longer meant for me;
No longer mine to love?
What if I have fought for pieces of my heart
That have already been long gone and given away?
And what if I have fought for an identity
Of what I once was, but no longer am?
Because this has also been a year of letting go.
I have had to let go of those relationships
That are no longer for me,
And those pieces of my heart
I've already given away,
And also the old identity
Of who I used to be.
And Lord knows I had no idea it would be
So excruciatingly painful to let go.
But it's a process.
This has been a year of holding on and letting go.
This has been a year of learning.
In the process of experiencing this year,
I have learned so much.
I have learned much of healing and growth.
I have learned much of being patient with myself.
I have learned much of what truly matters in my life.
I've learned that healing isn't linear,
And growth is an extensive process.
I've learned that I cannot expect changes
To happen overnight,
And that even if I need to go slowly,
What matters is that I'm still going.
I've learned that raw love matters.
Opening your heart to someone,
Even if you're afraid of being vulnerable,
Is still worth the risk of breaking.
You can always love more.
I've learned that life matters;
MY life matters.
I've learned that I deserve genuine love,
Real relationships, and true friendships.
I deserve to be here,
So I've learned to fight for myself.
But this has also been a year of unlearning.
I have had to unlearn so much as well.
Quite ironically, I've had to learn
How to unlearn certain destructive habits.
I've had to unlearn leaning
On certain people who I trusted
After they managed to break that trust.
I've had to unlearn that feeling
Of being physically and emotionally
Wrapped in another human being
All because sometimes,
People can change their minds.
People can leave; people will leave.
I've mostly had to unlearn my reflex
To fight for people who won't fight for me.
I can't continue to pour my life
Into something that is already dead.
I can't continue to give my heart to people
Who don't choose to accept it.
Learning and unlearning have been struggles
So difficult, but still so necessary.
Though I never could have anticipated the weight
These lessons and trials would bring.
This has been a year of learning and unlearning.
I have loved and lost this year.
I have held on and let go this year.
I have learned and unlearned this year.
I am still here after this year.
Yes, this truly has been a year.
~AbbyLynn
